Why is it so easy to give advice to others, and sound somewhat intelligent doing so, but so very hard to listen to your own advice?
I'm a decent listener. I have lots of people in my life come to me in trust with their issues looking for my input, advice, and sometimes just an ear. I usually have an opinion (ok, I always have an opinion), and a lot of times, I feel like the advice, encouragement, words of wisdom that I give sound like they may work. Lots of times friends have left our private conversations feeling better and feeling a new sense of "OK, I can do this", because of our talk.
I listen to marriage problems (because God knows I should have some sort of "Expert" badge, and can probably relate). Problems with kids (see prior note). Family issues, issues with other friends. I listen. I feel like most of the time I say the right thing....to everyone else.
But when it comes to my life, my marriage, my kid, my friends, my whatever, I feel like I basically suck.
And the kicker is, I know what's right. I know what the answer is, 99% of the time. But maybe when it's about us, the blinders go up and we don't want to hear it? Or it seems like it would work for anyone else, but not our own situation? I feel like nothing I do is good enough.
Funny how this blog has just turned into the place I go to complain. I think, even when we think we are honest with the people in our lives, for some reason the REAL honesty feels safe in this blog. Like maybe no one will see it, but it's good to get it out. What's funny about it, is that I have this strong, optimistic outward appearance, but most of the time on the inside, I feel like a complete, psychotic, mess.
Because I put so much pressure on myself and those around me, and because I always feel like it's never good enough, I incessantly have this inner struggle. Most of the time I just feel like a big screw up. I'm sure this is comforting to those who respect my opinion. LOL
I by no means expect to be perfect, nor do I expect L.J. to be perfect. So what am I looking for, to feel like a successful woman and mother?
What's the right balance, the right mix, that's going to make me think that maybe I can do something right?
Why am I so depressed on the inside, and so afraid to show it?
Right now, I am miserably disgusted with myself. I feel like a complete and utter failure at everything I do.
So there it is...
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
It's Gonna Be a Doosey
Did I even spell that right...doosy, doosey? Irrelevant, I suppose.
Funny that I haven't blogged since July 26th, and it's going to be about the exact same thing. Apparently this whole parenting thing is important to me, because it bothers me more than anything, and it's seemingly the thing I suck at the most.
This post will be very repetitious if you read the last one, so I apologize in advance.
First off, I'm going to put myself in the hospital if I don't calm down, hence the blogging. My head is about to explode and my heart is racing. Maybe the amount of pressure I put on myself to be a good mom is the same amount of good behavior I expect from L.J. and I'm setting us both up to fail.
I've said it before, saying it again, I'm a perfectionist about so many things, being mom is at the top of the list. It's so beyond important to me that maybe I'm just getting it all wrong. Sometimes I feel like a good mom, I "think" (and maybe I'm completely fooling myself) that L.J. is a sweet, kind-hearted, witty, outgoing, fun kid. Can someone please just tell me if I'm wrong? Maybe I'll stop kidding myself. I know everyone thinks that about their kids, so maybe I'm just an ass who can't see reality. Of course I see him bicker with other kids, bother another child here and there, talk incessantly, lose focus, lack maturity....isn't that being 6? Apparently not, or he's an off the charts exception to the rule, if you were to see the notes from school.
Since I last blogged, I got L.J. pulled from his hearing impaired class and put into a mainstream kindergarten class. He gets in his "usual" trouble, talking too much, losing focus...but now I guess him snatching and what he views as silliness (looking under bathroom stalls) is more than anyone can handle...or is willing to handle? Being hearing impaired, mainstreamed or not, still leaves him with a few special needs, though not enough to warrant (in my opinion) him being sent back to a special ed situation, which would EXTREMELY hold him back.
For example:
1. He gets in trouble for touching others. For hearing impaired people, touch is a huge form of communication. When kids ignore him or don't pay attention, he touches them because in his world, he thinks they don't hear him and he gets frustrated. Not hitting, just touching to get them to look.
2. He gets in trouble for what he thinks is just being silly. He IS silly...it's his personality. And I would never want to change who he is at the core. Keeping in mind that all of his friends are younger, and for 2 years in school he was with younger kids. He's needs a real chance to mature to his level.
3. He gets in trouble for snatching and being rude to others. I've seen him snatch of course, rudeness is unacceptable and something I don't really see at home. Isn't that all kinda an age thing?
4. He gets in trouble for talking and not focusing, most of all. First things first. He didn't even START to learn how to talk until almost 4 years old. It's kinda still like having a new toy. He talks well enough now to hold conversations, and he wants to do so. Is it appropriate during class time, no, of course not, and I don't condone it. Is it something he just needs some time and assistance working through when it's appropriate, yes, I think so.
So there is the gist of it. So what the heck am I doing wrong??? I am in tears almost every night. He's very difficult to punish. I know there are great ideas out there, and I feel like I've tried so much of it.
1. He's punished to his room every time he gets anything other than a happy face.
2. Taken toys away. Electronics. He can't play my phone games.
3. Called Santa/Easter Bunny whatever based on time of year.
4. Cancelled play dates. Cancelled sports practices.
5. He also has positive reinforcements that aren't working. A trip to Walmart for a small toy for a week's worth of happy faces. A new game on my phone for 4 happy faces. 1 happy face a day means an extra nighttime story, which he loves.
I don't know what the answers are anymore, and it's kindergarten. What am I going to do? Now the teachers want to meet with me. I'm afraid they are going to ask me to send him back to the hearing impaired class/school. It would be such a slap in the face for him and a huge setback on so many levels. But...did I move him too soon? I just don't think so, because he's learning SO much. I know they say he's not focused, but he hears them at some point, because he's learning!
Holding him back to a special ed environment is not the answer. He will stop learning, AND get in even more trouble because he will be bored. Good Lord, I don't know what to do.
So...now I will beat myself up some more. As a mom, am I focused on the wrong things? I talk to him CONSTANTLY about the importance of school and the importance of good behavior in school. I'm ALWAYS correcting him when his behavior is out of line. And I'm consistent with it. He's an only, so he gets a lot of attention and always has. He's also spoiled. I know that. I also don't want to beat him down so that he loses a piece of himself either. I love that he's silly and fun. He has a bright demeanor and he's loving. This constant trouble is going to take that brightness away.
How do I make sure his confidence, the love he feels, his light, all stay in tact, while showing tough love for his behavior? I do a lot of activities with him, pay him a lot of attention, pay good attention to his physical well being, but I'm screwing up somewhere.
Here's the thing with him, I can yell, take stuff away, punish him, etc. As soon as he's out of punishment and gets a hug and kiss from me, all is right in his world, and he doesn't even remember being in trouble...he's that light hearted. Nothing makes an impact with this kid for very long. I'm glad he's confident in my love for him, but he seriously doesn't care about anything else that I could do. How do you punish a kid like that...for it to make an impact?
See, it just happened again, "Mommy may I have some juice? Thank you, Mommy. See I'm using good manners right Mommy? OK, I love you." He's punished in his room, but he's good to go....
So gonna try this new punishment. He still sleeps with me (I know, I know). Tonight, he's sleeping in his room. Again, I know that shouldn't be a punishment because then he'll never want to sleep in there because he will think he's in trouble..I get it, I'm smarter than I look. But I'm looking for anything that will make an impact. No story time and not sleeping with Mommy, should??? We shall see.
In the meantime, I'm still trying, really I am. I don't want or expect him to be a robot either. I just need him to understand the balance of when it's appropriate to be silly and when it's not. And to stop the freaking snatching, etc.
God knows, I want nothing else in the entire world but to be a good mom to this little boy. I don't want to fail him.
Funny that I haven't blogged since July 26th, and it's going to be about the exact same thing. Apparently this whole parenting thing is important to me, because it bothers me more than anything, and it's seemingly the thing I suck at the most.
This post will be very repetitious if you read the last one, so I apologize in advance.
First off, I'm going to put myself in the hospital if I don't calm down, hence the blogging. My head is about to explode and my heart is racing. Maybe the amount of pressure I put on myself to be a good mom is the same amount of good behavior I expect from L.J. and I'm setting us both up to fail.
I've said it before, saying it again, I'm a perfectionist about so many things, being mom is at the top of the list. It's so beyond important to me that maybe I'm just getting it all wrong. Sometimes I feel like a good mom, I "think" (and maybe I'm completely fooling myself) that L.J. is a sweet, kind-hearted, witty, outgoing, fun kid. Can someone please just tell me if I'm wrong? Maybe I'll stop kidding myself. I know everyone thinks that about their kids, so maybe I'm just an ass who can't see reality. Of course I see him bicker with other kids, bother another child here and there, talk incessantly, lose focus, lack maturity....isn't that being 6? Apparently not, or he's an off the charts exception to the rule, if you were to see the notes from school.
Since I last blogged, I got L.J. pulled from his hearing impaired class and put into a mainstream kindergarten class. He gets in his "usual" trouble, talking too much, losing focus...but now I guess him snatching and what he views as silliness (looking under bathroom stalls) is more than anyone can handle...or is willing to handle? Being hearing impaired, mainstreamed or not, still leaves him with a few special needs, though not enough to warrant (in my opinion) him being sent back to a special ed situation, which would EXTREMELY hold him back.
For example:
1. He gets in trouble for touching others. For hearing impaired people, touch is a huge form of communication. When kids ignore him or don't pay attention, he touches them because in his world, he thinks they don't hear him and he gets frustrated. Not hitting, just touching to get them to look.
2. He gets in trouble for what he thinks is just being silly. He IS silly...it's his personality. And I would never want to change who he is at the core. Keeping in mind that all of his friends are younger, and for 2 years in school he was with younger kids. He's needs a real chance to mature to his level.
3. He gets in trouble for snatching and being rude to others. I've seen him snatch of course, rudeness is unacceptable and something I don't really see at home. Isn't that all kinda an age thing?
4. He gets in trouble for talking and not focusing, most of all. First things first. He didn't even START to learn how to talk until almost 4 years old. It's kinda still like having a new toy. He talks well enough now to hold conversations, and he wants to do so. Is it appropriate during class time, no, of course not, and I don't condone it. Is it something he just needs some time and assistance working through when it's appropriate, yes, I think so.
So there is the gist of it. So what the heck am I doing wrong??? I am in tears almost every night. He's very difficult to punish. I know there are great ideas out there, and I feel like I've tried so much of it.
1. He's punished to his room every time he gets anything other than a happy face.
2. Taken toys away. Electronics. He can't play my phone games.
3. Called Santa/Easter Bunny whatever based on time of year.
4. Cancelled play dates. Cancelled sports practices.
5. He also has positive reinforcements that aren't working. A trip to Walmart for a small toy for a week's worth of happy faces. A new game on my phone for 4 happy faces. 1 happy face a day means an extra nighttime story, which he loves.
I don't know what the answers are anymore, and it's kindergarten. What am I going to do? Now the teachers want to meet with me. I'm afraid they are going to ask me to send him back to the hearing impaired class/school. It would be such a slap in the face for him and a huge setback on so many levels. But...did I move him too soon? I just don't think so, because he's learning SO much. I know they say he's not focused, but he hears them at some point, because he's learning!
Holding him back to a special ed environment is not the answer. He will stop learning, AND get in even more trouble because he will be bored. Good Lord, I don't know what to do.
So...now I will beat myself up some more. As a mom, am I focused on the wrong things? I talk to him CONSTANTLY about the importance of school and the importance of good behavior in school. I'm ALWAYS correcting him when his behavior is out of line. And I'm consistent with it. He's an only, so he gets a lot of attention and always has. He's also spoiled. I know that. I also don't want to beat him down so that he loses a piece of himself either. I love that he's silly and fun. He has a bright demeanor and he's loving. This constant trouble is going to take that brightness away.
How do I make sure his confidence, the love he feels, his light, all stay in tact, while showing tough love for his behavior? I do a lot of activities with him, pay him a lot of attention, pay good attention to his physical well being, but I'm screwing up somewhere.
Here's the thing with him, I can yell, take stuff away, punish him, etc. As soon as he's out of punishment and gets a hug and kiss from me, all is right in his world, and he doesn't even remember being in trouble...he's that light hearted. Nothing makes an impact with this kid for very long. I'm glad he's confident in my love for him, but he seriously doesn't care about anything else that I could do. How do you punish a kid like that...for it to make an impact?
See, it just happened again, "Mommy may I have some juice? Thank you, Mommy. See I'm using good manners right Mommy? OK, I love you." He's punished in his room, but he's good to go....
So gonna try this new punishment. He still sleeps with me (I know, I know). Tonight, he's sleeping in his room. Again, I know that shouldn't be a punishment because then he'll never want to sleep in there because he will think he's in trouble..I get it, I'm smarter than I look. But I'm looking for anything that will make an impact. No story time and not sleeping with Mommy, should??? We shall see.
In the meantime, I'm still trying, really I am. I don't want or expect him to be a robot either. I just need him to understand the balance of when it's appropriate to be silly and when it's not. And to stop the freaking snatching, etc.
God knows, I want nothing else in the entire world but to be a good mom to this little boy. I don't want to fail him.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Why Is There No Instruction Book?
Sighhhhhhhh....
Just when you think you got the mommy thing figured out.
L.J. has been misbehaving at school the last few days...to the point that today, I even got a phone call from the lead VPK teacher. I won't get into it, but basic not listening, sprinkled with just off the wall wildness. They understand, to a point, that he's trying to be funny, get attention, and is not malicious in his intent, and is a sweetheart....but....obviously in school is not necessarily the place for his "performances".
With that said, it completely and totally puts me over the edge when he misbehaves. I have very low tolerance for it. And I can't figure out if I expect too much from him as a 5 year old boy, or if I expect too much from myself as a mom. Because when he gets in trouble, I 100% internalize it. I think it is absolutely my fault, and I am the worst mother to ever walk the face of the Earth.
Sometimes I think I can't be 'that' bad. Because he is a sweet, loving, kind (most of the time) kid. He's a leader and very outgoing and funny. But those same traits get him into trouble. And I feel like I'm failing on how to teach him the proper place and time for his antics.
At almost 6 years old, I'm having a harder and harder time buying into people saying "he's only 5" or "he's acting like a normal 5 year old boy". It's just not acceptable to me any more. I feel like some of what he does is very immature for his age, and unnecessary and uncalled for. 5 year old boy, or not.
So, I sit here for the last few days wondering where I went wrong. Is he doomed to this life of misbehavior and immaturity? I know, I'm being irrational and dramatic with that statement, but really, when does it end and get better? And what the hell am I doing wrong?
I am, by nature, very Type A and a perfectionist about many things, and very hard on myself. But I seriously question my mother abilities. I have to be going wrong somewhere if I can't teach my son how to act appropriately at school, or how to treat his teachers with more respect.
Is this why it took me so long to have him? If I am not capable at 40, no wonder I didn't have him any younger, and no wonder I only have one. God knows I don't want to be a failure at even more than one child.
How can you love someone so much, yet feel like you are completely failing them? I am, essentially, his life. I am the one solid in his life, and the one he's always had. He doesn't depend on anyone like he depends on me to take care of him and do what's right for him. And I feel like I am letting him down. I'm letting myself down. I'm letting everyone down.
I feel like I'm not even worthy of being his mom, because I'm not doing it right anyway. :'(
Sorry for the pity party. Good Night. xoxo
Just when you think you got the mommy thing figured out.
L.J. has been misbehaving at school the last few days...to the point that today, I even got a phone call from the lead VPK teacher. I won't get into it, but basic not listening, sprinkled with just off the wall wildness. They understand, to a point, that he's trying to be funny, get attention, and is not malicious in his intent, and is a sweetheart....but....obviously in school is not necessarily the place for his "performances".
With that said, it completely and totally puts me over the edge when he misbehaves. I have very low tolerance for it. And I can't figure out if I expect too much from him as a 5 year old boy, or if I expect too much from myself as a mom. Because when he gets in trouble, I 100% internalize it. I think it is absolutely my fault, and I am the worst mother to ever walk the face of the Earth.
Sometimes I think I can't be 'that' bad. Because he is a sweet, loving, kind (most of the time) kid. He's a leader and very outgoing and funny. But those same traits get him into trouble. And I feel like I'm failing on how to teach him the proper place and time for his antics.
At almost 6 years old, I'm having a harder and harder time buying into people saying "he's only 5" or "he's acting like a normal 5 year old boy". It's just not acceptable to me any more. I feel like some of what he does is very immature for his age, and unnecessary and uncalled for. 5 year old boy, or not.
So, I sit here for the last few days wondering where I went wrong. Is he doomed to this life of misbehavior and immaturity? I know, I'm being irrational and dramatic with that statement, but really, when does it end and get better? And what the hell am I doing wrong?
I am, by nature, very Type A and a perfectionist about many things, and very hard on myself. But I seriously question my mother abilities. I have to be going wrong somewhere if I can't teach my son how to act appropriately at school, or how to treat his teachers with more respect.
Is this why it took me so long to have him? If I am not capable at 40, no wonder I didn't have him any younger, and no wonder I only have one. God knows I don't want to be a failure at even more than one child.
How can you love someone so much, yet feel like you are completely failing them? I am, essentially, his life. I am the one solid in his life, and the one he's always had. He doesn't depend on anyone like he depends on me to take care of him and do what's right for him. And I feel like I am letting him down. I'm letting myself down. I'm letting everyone down.
I feel like I'm not even worthy of being his mom, because I'm not doing it right anyway. :'(
Sorry for the pity party. Good Night. xoxo
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Talk...
What a roller coaster week. Not necessarily in a bad way, just feel like I have been all over the place, mentally. Besides work drama, L.J. got his new hearing aids, we had some long awaited answers to some financial type issues, etc. Nothing over the top, just life, I guess. You know how things always seem to happen all at once!
Anyway, L.J. and I were at dinner tonight (Luis has spent a few days at his family's house this week -- nothing wrong, just visiting), and I was making some observations that made me think.
First of all, some people are just plain grouchy. My goodness, lighten up people! I have bad days the same as anyone, but if I had to go through life just being a generally unhappy person, I would go insane. So not me!
Not everyone, of course. Some people actually renew my hope in man kind.
L.J. is at the age where he wants me to read EVERYTHING to him. Which is fine, I like doing it, and I help him sound out the words with me. When I was taking him to school this morning, he asked me to read the back of the school bus that was in front of the school. I was and I was touching the words helping him sound them out, I didn't realize the driver and assistant were on the bus watching. Do you know they invited L.J. on the bus and took like just 3 or 4 minutes with him to show him how all the buttons work to turn on the lights and all? It only took a few minutes out of their day, but it made his whole day, and they probably don't even know. He walked off the bus and said, "Wow.... Mommy, that was awesome!" LOL
So simple, but so important to a little boy. Or any child, for people to just take the time with them. You never, ever know how the simplest of gestures may impact another person's day...positive or negative.
So think about it next time you're a grouch...especially to a kid, no wait, especially to MY kid.
L.J. LOVES to sing/dance/act. If you know him, you know that all too well. :) So at the table he was singing me this penguin song he learned at school (which I also love because it's helped to teach him left from right...score!). Do you know that he was dirty looked by adults from 2 different tables? Really people? He's 5, and he likes to entertain....he wasn't screaming, he was singing while we waited for dinner.
So bonus for you, dinner AND a free show....GAH, lighten up!
Then secondly, I noticed something more. These same 2 couples from 2 different tables, discussed over menus, I assume what they would be ordering....then never spoke again. Isn't that sad? They ordered, and all 4 adults gazed out of the windows like they wanted to be anywhere else, other than sitting across from the person whom I assume, is supposed to be the love of their life.
Based on how they were all dressed, I also assume they had been at work all day. And they were all probably in their 40's (so maybe kids, certainly work, geez even the weather) and there is nothing to talk about? Then I almost understood why they were aggravated by L.J.'s apparent happiness.
My child's simple, pure happiness reminded them of how unhappy they were, in that same moment. He wasn't "bothering" them, he made their insides hurt -- he made them sad. Yes, I know I overanalyze things, but just stay with me.
I know everyone is not happy and joyful every minute or every day. Luis and I have had MORE than enough drama for about 10 marriages. But it was more than that for those 2 couples. It was all over their faces, in their posture and body language. If you don't have anything else to talk about, then what's the point?
With ALL that we have been through in our marriage, and even things we still go through (I believe marriage is always a work in progress), I still go to bed every night knowing that I'm married to my best friend...even if we had a bad day. And with him out of work and me working from home, we are together ALL. THE. TIME. But we still talk constantly!
So instead of being defensive that they obviously didn't appreciate my son's entertainment as much as I, I smiled at them as we got up to leave. Only one of the 4 smiled back. But, just like the bus driver this morning, you never, ever know how the simplest of gestures may impact another person's day...positive or negative.
If I had dirty looked them back, all that would've done was confirm the sadness/disgust/unhappiness, whatever it is they were feeling in that moment would have been confirmed by another "grouchy" person. I don't want to be that person to anyone, not even a stranger if I can help it. Even L.J. made eye contact with them and said goodbye.
If you don't have anything to talk about at dinner out with your life partner, think of something. Don't look out of a window. Be present.
Be present so the other person feels you. And they in turn will be present.
Talk about anything, or smile, and reach for their hand. And say nothing. But BE there.
One day they won't be. And you'll wish you had someone to talk to, as opposed to sitting quietly, looking out of a window.
xoxo
Anyway, L.J. and I were at dinner tonight (Luis has spent a few days at his family's house this week -- nothing wrong, just visiting), and I was making some observations that made me think.
First of all, some people are just plain grouchy. My goodness, lighten up people! I have bad days the same as anyone, but if I had to go through life just being a generally unhappy person, I would go insane. So not me!
Not everyone, of course. Some people actually renew my hope in man kind.
L.J. is at the age where he wants me to read EVERYTHING to him. Which is fine, I like doing it, and I help him sound out the words with me. When I was taking him to school this morning, he asked me to read the back of the school bus that was in front of the school. I was and I was touching the words helping him sound them out, I didn't realize the driver and assistant were on the bus watching. Do you know they invited L.J. on the bus and took like just 3 or 4 minutes with him to show him how all the buttons work to turn on the lights and all? It only took a few minutes out of their day, but it made his whole day, and they probably don't even know. He walked off the bus and said, "Wow.... Mommy, that was awesome!" LOL
So simple, but so important to a little boy. Or any child, for people to just take the time with them. You never, ever know how the simplest of gestures may impact another person's day...positive or negative.
So think about it next time you're a grouch...especially to a kid, no wait, especially to MY kid.
L.J. LOVES to sing/dance/act. If you know him, you know that all too well. :) So at the table he was singing me this penguin song he learned at school (which I also love because it's helped to teach him left from right...score!). Do you know that he was dirty looked by adults from 2 different tables? Really people? He's 5, and he likes to entertain....he wasn't screaming, he was singing while we waited for dinner.
So bonus for you, dinner AND a free show....GAH, lighten up!
Then secondly, I noticed something more. These same 2 couples from 2 different tables, discussed over menus, I assume what they would be ordering....then never spoke again. Isn't that sad? They ordered, and all 4 adults gazed out of the windows like they wanted to be anywhere else, other than sitting across from the person whom I assume, is supposed to be the love of their life.
Based on how they were all dressed, I also assume they had been at work all day. And they were all probably in their 40's (so maybe kids, certainly work, geez even the weather) and there is nothing to talk about? Then I almost understood why they were aggravated by L.J.'s apparent happiness.
My child's simple, pure happiness reminded them of how unhappy they were, in that same moment. He wasn't "bothering" them, he made their insides hurt -- he made them sad. Yes, I know I overanalyze things, but just stay with me.
I know everyone is not happy and joyful every minute or every day. Luis and I have had MORE than enough drama for about 10 marriages. But it was more than that for those 2 couples. It was all over their faces, in their posture and body language. If you don't have anything else to talk about, then what's the point?
With ALL that we have been through in our marriage, and even things we still go through (I believe marriage is always a work in progress), I still go to bed every night knowing that I'm married to my best friend...even if we had a bad day. And with him out of work and me working from home, we are together ALL. THE. TIME. But we still talk constantly!
So instead of being defensive that they obviously didn't appreciate my son's entertainment as much as I, I smiled at them as we got up to leave. Only one of the 4 smiled back. But, just like the bus driver this morning, you never, ever know how the simplest of gestures may impact another person's day...positive or negative.
If I had dirty looked them back, all that would've done was confirm the sadness/disgust/unhappiness, whatever it is they were feeling in that moment would have been confirmed by another "grouchy" person. I don't want to be that person to anyone, not even a stranger if I can help it. Even L.J. made eye contact with them and said goodbye.
If you don't have anything to talk about at dinner out with your life partner, think of something. Don't look out of a window. Be present.
Be present so the other person feels you. And they in turn will be present.
Talk about anything, or smile, and reach for their hand. And say nothing. But BE there.
One day they won't be. And you'll wish you had someone to talk to, as opposed to sitting quietly, looking out of a window.
xoxo
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
True Love?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or not even at first sight, necessarily, but quick love (a few weeks or a few months)? Real love. Is that possible, for it to happen that quickly?
I think when you're young you absolutely think that what you feel is real, true love. It's an intense, new feeling, and since you have no other way to describe it, because it's new, you call it love (correctly or incorrectly).
Fast forward several years, and you definitely learn that, as intense as your feelings were when you were younger, with your current partner or a previous one, that it probably wasn't "really" love. Let me clarify what I mean by love. I think that you can have a certain love for people you've only known a short time (include in this the possibilities that it could just be deep 'like', or lust, or just a caring for that person). But real, true, soul-completing, love? Nope, I don't believe it, not in the way I mean.
I mean a love that is so intense, that you climb mountains together, and through the worst of storms, you eventually come out on top, and together. A love that you are sure that though sickness, health, rich or poor, you REALLY would stay together. And I don't think you can honestly answer that in a newer love, because you haven't faced any of those challenges yet, so truly you don't know what you would do.
True love transcends time, trials, troubles. And through all of those things, your love may not always be as intense, but it's always there.
Also, I totally think that through the course of your life you can have a real love with more than one person. People get remarried all the time, and I believe that they loved their first spouse at the time, and some relationships aren't always going to be forever. And I believe you could love your second (or more) spouse with as much, if not more, love than the first.
But in saying that, I don't believe it's possible to love EVERYONE you've ever been with. I don't think that every relationship is true love, regardless of how you think you feel at the time. There is no way that every person you have a relationship with is "the one". There are those relationships in which the dating is really enough. And it's new and fun, potentially lustful, and caring, but are they all "love"? No.
Don't be so fooled and rushed to fall in "love" that you sacrifice you who are, just to be in "love".
And don't ever be afraid to be alone. Or just date someone. Every single relationship doesn't have to be the end all, be all.
Love yourself first and foremost. And love yourself enough to just "be". You don't have to be constantly in a hot and heavy relationship just to feel validated as a worthy human being. You are enough just as you.
XOXO
I think when you're young you absolutely think that what you feel is real, true love. It's an intense, new feeling, and since you have no other way to describe it, because it's new, you call it love (correctly or incorrectly).
Fast forward several years, and you definitely learn that, as intense as your feelings were when you were younger, with your current partner or a previous one, that it probably wasn't "really" love. Let me clarify what I mean by love. I think that you can have a certain love for people you've only known a short time (include in this the possibilities that it could just be deep 'like', or lust, or just a caring for that person). But real, true, soul-completing, love? Nope, I don't believe it, not in the way I mean.
I mean a love that is so intense, that you climb mountains together, and through the worst of storms, you eventually come out on top, and together. A love that you are sure that though sickness, health, rich or poor, you REALLY would stay together. And I don't think you can honestly answer that in a newer love, because you haven't faced any of those challenges yet, so truly you don't know what you would do.
True love transcends time, trials, troubles. And through all of those things, your love may not always be as intense, but it's always there.
Also, I totally think that through the course of your life you can have a real love with more than one person. People get remarried all the time, and I believe that they loved their first spouse at the time, and some relationships aren't always going to be forever. And I believe you could love your second (or more) spouse with as much, if not more, love than the first.
But in saying that, I don't believe it's possible to love EVERYONE you've ever been with. I don't think that every relationship is true love, regardless of how you think you feel at the time. There is no way that every person you have a relationship with is "the one". There are those relationships in which the dating is really enough. And it's new and fun, potentially lustful, and caring, but are they all "love"? No.
Don't be so fooled and rushed to fall in "love" that you sacrifice you who are, just to be in "love".
And don't ever be afraid to be alone. Or just date someone. Every single relationship doesn't have to be the end all, be all.
Love yourself first and foremost. And love yourself enough to just "be". You don't have to be constantly in a hot and heavy relationship just to feel validated as a worthy human being. You are enough just as you.
XOXO
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Randomness
Evening!
So I've been wondering something lately....am I the queen weirdo of strange, irrelevant, random thoughts....or is this common and people don't talk about it? Just those weird things that pop into your head for no apparent reason. Things will pop into my head, and I actually start to ponder them...then I find myself shaking my head and thinking, "Why am I even thinking about that? Does everyone do this, or am I 'special'?"
Ready to peer into my mind of randomness? Don't be afraid. Or maybe be afraid, because I still don't know if this is common or not.
Random thoughts, lately:
1. Has the very first or very last Lotto ticket purchased for any given jackpot, ever been the winner?
2. Is that squirrel sitting spread eagle because he's watching something, or because he's laying on a surface that's making his belly cooler?
3. Do I like the color pink because I think as a girl I'm supposed to, so I've been conditioned to like it. Or do I actually enjoy the color? And who decided pink was for girls and blue was for boys?
4. When was it decided that we needed to layer clothes? If our ancestors only wore loin cloths, which turned into clothes because...?? Eventual modestly, weather? So when people started to wear more and more material, who decided that we still needed material underneath (i.e. bras and underwear)? Is it a gravity thing only? I think this came to me when I was doing laundry.
5. Who decides that rude things are indeed rude? Does someone decide certain mannerisms are rude because someone found it displeasing, and why is something displeasing? For example, I don't like the sound of someone smacking gum. I think it sounds loud, and rude. But why do I think that? It's really not any louder than someone talking, right? And why do I think it's rude? Who decided chewing with your mouth open was rude? Because we don't want to see the chewing? Why is that wrong, and chewing with your mouth closed is right? Insert any pet peeve into this thought process. Are things we label as rude, rude because we were taught that something is rude (chewing with your mouth open, elbows on the table, speaking over others, etc), or because we just don't like it, but why don't we? I went round and round with this one, as you can see.
Those are just a small, small, sample of my insane thinking. And here is the thing, when I refer to these thought processes, I don't mean they crossed my mind for a split second, then I went on with my day. I will spend actual time thinking about these things....like really pondering.
So, my original question, is that normal, and we just don't talk to each other about it because we all think we are weird or different? And actually, who decided it was weird or different to have several random thoughts through the course of the day?
Not weird at all to me! :) xoxo
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
News Flash...
.....It's not all about you! No, really, it's not. You may think it is, but no, it's not.
**Editor's Note: The following post refers to no one person in particular. It's a general rant, if you will. I'm sure there is a piece of this in all of us, at one time or another. So take from it what you will, maybe, at the very least, it will cause you to think.
Sometimes I feel like the general population is bursting at the seams with martyrdom and narcissism.
Let's throw out some definitions of the two:
Martyrdom - extreme suffering; torment. (I'm referring to the perceived or self-inflicted form of this.)
Narcissism - inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
First off, you're not a martyr. No really, you're not. You don't have any more or any less stress, problems, issues, obstacles, that other people either don't have, possibly much worse, or have had at some point in their lives. So get over it. Do what you can do today, then do what you can do tomorrow, and move the hell on. Stop complaining, stop whining, stop thinking the world is against you, stop looking for answers outside of yourself, and STOP turning away from God. Plain and simple.
Second, you're not so amazingly fantastic that everything needs to be all about you, all the time. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with loving one's self - very important. Self-confidence, self-esteem is not what I'm referring to. What I am referring to is the constant need of a narcissist to think that they are above everyone and they are all that matters most of the time. Because it's not the case. Not at all. And while you are busy looking in the mirror (metaphorically speaking) other people are laughing at your selfishness. It makes you appear simple minded, not strong. And it's not how we were intended.
It was intended for us to be giving, compassionate, selfless, loving others (key word - others), due unto them as you would yourself.
And guess what, when you start to focus on the good, on the blessings, on the people around you...surprise -- good things happen, for you and around you. You don't have bad luck, no one is out to get you, people aren't more fortunate than you -- because fortune is all relevant.
YOU make your luck, your fortune -- through prayer and faithfulness; through optimism. Does it take struggle and heartache to reach through the darkness sometimes -- yes, of course. But you're not the only one who's ever been in the dark. My guess is that your darkest moments, aren't necessarily nearly as dark as some others.
We get through it, we live to fight and love another day.
Don't hide yourself away in self pity, in stress, in loathing.
We only have one life to live. Stop living in the self created shadows of being the martyr, the victim, or in extreme vanity.
Everyone has been dealt lemons at some point, make lemonade, hell, grab tequila, whatever it takes. But stop being so damn uptight!
It's not all about you. Really. We are all in this together.
xoxo
**Editor's Note: The following post refers to no one person in particular. It's a general rant, if you will. I'm sure there is a piece of this in all of us, at one time or another. So take from it what you will, maybe, at the very least, it will cause you to think.
Sometimes I feel like the general population is bursting at the seams with martyrdom and narcissism.
Let's throw out some definitions of the two:
Martyrdom - extreme suffering; torment. (I'm referring to the perceived or self-inflicted form of this.)
Narcissism - inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
First off, you're not a martyr. No really, you're not. You don't have any more or any less stress, problems, issues, obstacles, that other people either don't have, possibly much worse, or have had at some point in their lives. So get over it. Do what you can do today, then do what you can do tomorrow, and move the hell on. Stop complaining, stop whining, stop thinking the world is against you, stop looking for answers outside of yourself, and STOP turning away from God. Plain and simple.
Second, you're not so amazingly fantastic that everything needs to be all about you, all the time. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with loving one's self - very important. Self-confidence, self-esteem is not what I'm referring to. What I am referring to is the constant need of a narcissist to think that they are above everyone and they are all that matters most of the time. Because it's not the case. Not at all. And while you are busy looking in the mirror (metaphorically speaking) other people are laughing at your selfishness. It makes you appear simple minded, not strong. And it's not how we were intended.
It was intended for us to be giving, compassionate, selfless, loving others (key word - others), due unto them as you would yourself.
And guess what, when you start to focus on the good, on the blessings, on the people around you...surprise -- good things happen, for you and around you. You don't have bad luck, no one is out to get you, people aren't more fortunate than you -- because fortune is all relevant.
YOU make your luck, your fortune -- through prayer and faithfulness; through optimism. Does it take struggle and heartache to reach through the darkness sometimes -- yes, of course. But you're not the only one who's ever been in the dark. My guess is that your darkest moments, aren't necessarily nearly as dark as some others.
We get through it, we live to fight and love another day.
Don't hide yourself away in self pity, in stress, in loathing.
We only have one life to live. Stop living in the self created shadows of being the martyr, the victim, or in extreme vanity.
Everyone has been dealt lemons at some point, make lemonade, hell, grab tequila, whatever it takes. But stop being so damn uptight!
It's not all about you. Really. We are all in this together.
xoxo
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Vocabulary Lesson
Afternoon!
I feel compelled lately to share the words that we need to include in our vocabulary on a daily basis.
If you have been feeling like a Debbie Downer or Negative Nelly this is what I want you to tell yourself.
Let's play school, and use them in a sentence each day! ;)
I can.
I will.
I'm strong enough.
I'm smart enough.
I'm good enough. (and dog-gone-it, people like me! Sorry channeling 90's SNL humor :))
I'm liked.
I'm loved.
I believe. And my stress is relieved.
I have faith. And my worries are lifted.
I'm abundantly blessed!
xoxo,
Me
I feel compelled lately to share the words that we need to include in our vocabulary on a daily basis.
If you have been feeling like a Debbie Downer or Negative Nelly this is what I want you to tell yourself.
Let's play school, and use them in a sentence each day! ;)
I can.
I will.
I'm strong enough.
I'm smart enough.
I'm good enough. (and dog-gone-it, people like me! Sorry channeling 90's SNL humor :))
I'm liked.
I'm loved.
I believe. And my stress is relieved.
I have faith. And my worries are lifted.
I'm abundantly blessed!
xoxo,
Me
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Self-esteem, anyone?
Hi Everyone!
Sorry I haven't been more consistent with my blogging. Guess I'm still getting into the groove. I actually think about it daily, but just don't always feel like I have any big contribution to the internet on most days. ;)
Then, because I'm so overly critical of myself anyway, and because I read other blogs, I feel like my blog won't be as funny/insightful/interesting....pick an adjective. So I don't post anything! Maybe I need to not read so many others, OR, here's a concept, STOP being so overly critical of myself and accept that my blog can be any way I want it. Seems as though, based on prior postings, I'm leaning towards whatever seems to be on my mind on that given day...not funny, or necessarily insightful, but it's my personal thoughts and I guess that's all that matters.
I have yet to write a post that turns out on the topic I intended for the day. I start typing on here, but I have not yet actually written about what I planned to. Which is weird, isn't it? Damn this undiagnosed adult ADD! So, I was going to post about one of 2 topics...super-moms, or my sixth sense...looking like those are going to wait.
Instead, just in those 3 short paragraphs above, I'm going to talk about myself...which means, my flaws. See, no self-esteem.
I feel like sometimes I can pretend well, like I actually have some confidence somewhere inside, but no, really not. I wonder what happens to us in our lives that makes us lose that ability to love ourselves more, flaws and all.
And more importantly, how do we not pass that along to our children. I'm more than certain that children are born with some infantile form of self-esteem. Babies, toddlers, children...all famously selfish and believe the world revolves around their needs and wants, right? I don't mean that negatively at all, just a fact. They want what they want when they want it, and 100% believe they deserve whatever it is. So, when do we lose that? What happens that makes us decide that we aren't entitled to what we want when we want it?
Could have been any of the following, with examples:
Parents - either too submissive or critical of themselves or the other end of the spectrum, too demanding and we feel we don't measure up.
Other kids - being mean, bossy, unkind, or some mixture of all of that.
Teachers - not being responsive or attentive to our emotional needs as well as the need to learn.
Ourselves - Are some of us born to, at some point after basic, primal needs are met, just be passive and submissive and not think much of ourselves.
No clue. Maybe a combination of some nature, some nurture, I presume.
Then, when we do lose our confidence, how do we/can we, get it back? Some days are good, some days aren't. Sometimes I feel like a patient, understanding wife, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel like a good mom, who tries to discipline but also love unconditionally. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing him, too.
Though overall, I do have to say I don't worry as much as I use to. I think that as I get older, my faith definitely has matured and deepened, and as that occurred, I trusted more and more to put my worries in the only real place that offers true solutions. For me, that is God. I used to always worry about what others think, what others had, and how I didn't measure up. And somewhere along the way, really in just the last few years, I can honestly say I let a lot of it go. God has my plan, and He has it under control, and I believe it with my whole heart. That helps A LOT!
Even though my worries are lifted, I still want to be better. And I don't think it's a bad thing to want to be a better person overall. I want to be a more faithful Christian, a more loving wife, a more patient mom, a more successful employee, a more reliable family member and friend. So maybe in order to build confidence, I just work on those things, every day, one day at a time. And take pride in each small accomplishment.
At the end of every day, instead of being filled with worry, sadness or criticism, in your prayers at night or even just to yourself, say, "I did the best I could do today. I gave what I could. I wasn't perfect and I never will be. But I will do it all again tomorrow, and I will do just a tiny bit better and I will be proud of myself for it."
You can't just say the words, believe it. Believe in yourself. I will believe in myself, too. xoxo
Sorry I haven't been more consistent with my blogging. Guess I'm still getting into the groove. I actually think about it daily, but just don't always feel like I have any big contribution to the internet on most days. ;)
Then, because I'm so overly critical of myself anyway, and because I read other blogs, I feel like my blog won't be as funny/insightful/interesting....pick an adjective. So I don't post anything! Maybe I need to not read so many others, OR, here's a concept, STOP being so overly critical of myself and accept that my blog can be any way I want it. Seems as though, based on prior postings, I'm leaning towards whatever seems to be on my mind on that given day...not funny, or necessarily insightful, but it's my personal thoughts and I guess that's all that matters.
I have yet to write a post that turns out on the topic I intended for the day. I start typing on here, but I have not yet actually written about what I planned to. Which is weird, isn't it? Damn this undiagnosed adult ADD! So, I was going to post about one of 2 topics...super-moms, or my sixth sense...looking like those are going to wait.
Instead, just in those 3 short paragraphs above, I'm going to talk about myself...which means, my flaws. See, no self-esteem.
I feel like sometimes I can pretend well, like I actually have some confidence somewhere inside, but no, really not. I wonder what happens to us in our lives that makes us lose that ability to love ourselves more, flaws and all.
And more importantly, how do we not pass that along to our children. I'm more than certain that children are born with some infantile form of self-esteem. Babies, toddlers, children...all famously selfish and believe the world revolves around their needs and wants, right? I don't mean that negatively at all, just a fact. They want what they want when they want it, and 100% believe they deserve whatever it is. So, when do we lose that? What happens that makes us decide that we aren't entitled to what we want when we want it?
Could have been any of the following, with examples:
Parents - either too submissive or critical of themselves or the other end of the spectrum, too demanding and we feel we don't measure up.
Other kids - being mean, bossy, unkind, or some mixture of all of that.
Teachers - not being responsive or attentive to our emotional needs as well as the need to learn.
Ourselves - Are some of us born to, at some point after basic, primal needs are met, just be passive and submissive and not think much of ourselves.
No clue. Maybe a combination of some nature, some nurture, I presume.
Then, when we do lose our confidence, how do we/can we, get it back? Some days are good, some days aren't. Sometimes I feel like a patient, understanding wife, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel like a good mom, who tries to discipline but also love unconditionally. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing him, too.
Though overall, I do have to say I don't worry as much as I use to. I think that as I get older, my faith definitely has matured and deepened, and as that occurred, I trusted more and more to put my worries in the only real place that offers true solutions. For me, that is God. I used to always worry about what others think, what others had, and how I didn't measure up. And somewhere along the way, really in just the last few years, I can honestly say I let a lot of it go. God has my plan, and He has it under control, and I believe it with my whole heart. That helps A LOT!
Even though my worries are lifted, I still want to be better. And I don't think it's a bad thing to want to be a better person overall. I want to be a more faithful Christian, a more loving wife, a more patient mom, a more successful employee, a more reliable family member and friend. So maybe in order to build confidence, I just work on those things, every day, one day at a time. And take pride in each small accomplishment.
At the end of every day, instead of being filled with worry, sadness or criticism, in your prayers at night or even just to yourself, say, "I did the best I could do today. I gave what I could. I wasn't perfect and I never will be. But I will do it all again tomorrow, and I will do just a tiny bit better and I will be proud of myself for it."
You can't just say the words, believe it. Believe in yourself. I will believe in myself, too. xoxo
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Where I Get Lost...
Two words...In Music...
I feel I have almost a weird simpatico with music...well written, well lyricized (it's a word, I checked), actual music that translates into story.
I can seriously put on my iPod and get lost in the music -- the words, the beats. Somehow, well written music can translate into our lives in so many ways. Seems that no matter what my mood, I can find songs that touch my heart and soul exactly where I need it. And everything is better...really.
Let me be clear in my personal definition of real music. Stories, period. I envision boys and girls, turned into men and women who pounded away at instruments and stayed up all hours of the night pouring their everything into a beat and into the story they wish to tell us.
I have an abundant amount of respect for musicians (real musicians) who gave and continue to give of themselves, completely. And if you know music at all, you can tell. You know what I mean, not Britney Spears, synthesized music with words written by some robotic word machine (although I've been known to belt out the Britney tunes, and others). Here are the people/groups that come to mind...and depending on your age, you may or may not have even heard of some of them. Jim Croce, The Carpenters, Lifehouse, Green Day, Nickelback, Eminem (yep)....I'm sure the list goes on, just a sampling of where I'm coming from. You listen to their music....really listen to the words and you hear the story.
You can FEEL it...their passion, their emotion, and it's relatable. It makes sense. It's like this secret you share with a musician when their music touches you. It's like they know something about you or how you feel that no one else knows, and they know exactly how to put it into words. And it almost helps you think about or process the feeling (good, bad or other) and you know you're not alone. And you still didn't even have to talk to a soul, if you didn't want to.
It's like therapy...internal, privately shared therapy.
You didn't think I'd end the post without some examples did you...
"'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you." ~Lifehouse (You and Me)
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you." ~Lifehouse (You and Me)
"Everytime the time was right
All the words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you in a song."
~Jim Croce (I Have to Say I Love You In a Song) (my dad would be so proud...lol)
All the words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you in a song."
~Jim Croce (I Have to Say I Love You In a Song) (my dad would be so proud...lol)
"Love, look at the two of us, Strangers in many ways
We've got a lifetime to share , So much to say and as we go
From day to day. I'll feel you close to me
But time alone will tell . Let's take a lifetime to say, I knew you well
For only time will tell us so . And love may grow for all we know."
~The Carpenters (For All We Know)
From day to day. I'll feel you close to me
But time alone will tell . Let's take a lifetime to say, I knew you well
For only time will tell us so . And love may grow for all we know."
~The Carpenters (For All We Know)
"Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around." ~Pink (F*&%-ing Perfect)
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around." ~Pink (F*&%-ing Perfect)
And one of the best story tellers ever....
"You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather." ~Jewel (Foolish Games)
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather." ~Jewel (Foolish Games)
I have so many more that I can't even think of...but stories.
Just listen...feel it...therapy, I tell ya! xoxo
Just listen...feel it...therapy, I tell ya! xoxo
Monday, June 27, 2011
George Michael said it best....
Oh yeah, if you had anything whatsoever to do with the '80's you know what's coming next...."Cause I gotta have FAITH."
If you think the rest of this post will have anything to do with the actual song, well, you'd be mistaken...not gonna be talking about that, but instead the other "Faith". You know, the real one (in my book). The one that lives in my heart and in the hearts of believers, the one I look to the Heavens for. Yep...'that' Faith!
My disclaimer that of course this is my blog, therefore, my beliefs. Not meant to persuade or certainly not to offend any readers.
I love God. I love Jesus. And, I'm not afraid to say it. I want to shout it from the roof tops some days, and I certainly want to shout, quite often, how good our God is, when given just half a chance to be in our lives all He is meant to be.
This post probably won't be very long because I have really one main point. You can pray until you're blue in the face, but if you don't believe, I mean REALLY believe, REALLY have FAITH, then you are only half way doing the job. I've said it so many times, to so many people, and I get it...I know it's hard to believe all the time, and so easy to lose faith when we are faced with difficult situations, and this is when we need our faith the most. The devil looks for these opportunities. He looks for ways to sneak in when our faith has been shaken by stress and burdens. He looks for a way to feed off of that misery so he can work his way into wedging himself in between you and our God.
That's when you push on and push through, cast him out in the name of Jesus. If you have FAITH, I promise it works. Most definitely not in our time, it's not within our control, but in God's time, and in His infinite wisdom. After all, it is His plan for us, if we just listen.
I love this part of the poem "Footprints", so I will share:
"The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
If you are not familiar with the poem, I urge to look it up and read the whole thing. The point is that even when we don't feel His presence, at our very lowest points, we are not alone. But we have to ask and we have to BELIEVE.
Take just a moment and either think about your friends and family, or perhaps do a little facebook "stalking". Make some comparisons. No one has to know you did this, and no one will. But just for yourself, do a little of this for me, if you're struggling with faith.
Your friends and family who proudly discuss their religion, or who post their religion without shame, or who sometimes post a verse now and again...or even if they don't necessarily talk about it often (if they aren't FB addicts like me), but you know they have a strong faith...take those people and make a mental note on the goings-on in their lives. Do they have troubles? Yes, of course, we are worldly people and face struggles and temptation. But OVERALL, how are they? Are they happy and upbeat a lot of the time? Do things tend to "work out" for them? Do they tend to have what you may refer to as "good luck"?
Now on a separate mental note, how about the people in your life that maybe aren't quite sure about their beliefs or their faith? Maybe they "believe" in God, and maybe they even pray, but do they have FAITH? Faith in the prayers that they say? Faith that there is a plan and that if they ask and believe, things will work out in their favors? How about the details of their lives? Do they have a seemingly harder time dealing with stresses? Does it take them longer in searching for good to happen? Do you think they have "bad luck"? Are they happy overall? I know, no one is happy all of the time, I'm speaking in generalizations. Would you label them a generally happy or a not so happy person?
Do you get where this is going? I sure hope so, because all of the sudden I'm long winded...I know, shocking. ;)
As if I have to spell it out, but I will anyway...
BELIEVE PEOPLE! Say a prayer and BELIEVE prayers are answered! Be happy with the blessings you have in your every day life, because they are all around you. God even makes sure we have a beautiful sunrise and sunset. And if that's the only thing "good" that happened in your world today, it happened, and it was God made, and it was beautiful and amazing! But you have more than that, we all do, everyone that's reading this already has more blessings than most of the world's population. It means you have electricity and a warm, dry place to lie your head tonight. You likely have a loved one with you, or at least a phone call away. You have eyes to see, and the knowledge to read these words.
You are BLESSED in a million ways.
And if you still don't believe me, go outside...right now...and look at the night sky. Wake up early and watch the sunrise. Listen to birds sing. These are all miracles...all blessings. Share them with the world and rejoice, because He loves you, and He wants what's best for you and me.
FAITH, LOVE, JOY -- It doesn't get any better than these things from our Lord. Just ask. Just know it will happen. BELIEVE! xoxo
If you think the rest of this post will have anything to do with the actual song, well, you'd be mistaken...not gonna be talking about that, but instead the other "Faith". You know, the real one (in my book). The one that lives in my heart and in the hearts of believers, the one I look to the Heavens for. Yep...'that' Faith!
My disclaimer that of course this is my blog, therefore, my beliefs. Not meant to persuade or certainly not to offend any readers.
I love God. I love Jesus. And, I'm not afraid to say it. I want to shout it from the roof tops some days, and I certainly want to shout, quite often, how good our God is, when given just half a chance to be in our lives all He is meant to be.
This post probably won't be very long because I have really one main point. You can pray until you're blue in the face, but if you don't believe, I mean REALLY believe, REALLY have FAITH, then you are only half way doing the job. I've said it so many times, to so many people, and I get it...I know it's hard to believe all the time, and so easy to lose faith when we are faced with difficult situations, and this is when we need our faith the most. The devil looks for these opportunities. He looks for ways to sneak in when our faith has been shaken by stress and burdens. He looks for a way to feed off of that misery so he can work his way into wedging himself in between you and our God.
That's when you push on and push through, cast him out in the name of Jesus. If you have FAITH, I promise it works. Most definitely not in our time, it's not within our control, but in God's time, and in His infinite wisdom. After all, it is His plan for us, if we just listen.
I love this part of the poem "Footprints", so I will share:
"The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
If you are not familiar with the poem, I urge to look it up and read the whole thing. The point is that even when we don't feel His presence, at our very lowest points, we are not alone. But we have to ask and we have to BELIEVE.
Take just a moment and either think about your friends and family, or perhaps do a little facebook "stalking". Make some comparisons. No one has to know you did this, and no one will. But just for yourself, do a little of this for me, if you're struggling with faith.
Your friends and family who proudly discuss their religion, or who post their religion without shame, or who sometimes post a verse now and again...or even if they don't necessarily talk about it often (if they aren't FB addicts like me), but you know they have a strong faith...take those people and make a mental note on the goings-on in their lives. Do they have troubles? Yes, of course, we are worldly people and face struggles and temptation. But OVERALL, how are they? Are they happy and upbeat a lot of the time? Do things tend to "work out" for them? Do they tend to have what you may refer to as "good luck"?
Now on a separate mental note, how about the people in your life that maybe aren't quite sure about their beliefs or their faith? Maybe they "believe" in God, and maybe they even pray, but do they have FAITH? Faith in the prayers that they say? Faith that there is a plan and that if they ask and believe, things will work out in their favors? How about the details of their lives? Do they have a seemingly harder time dealing with stresses? Does it take them longer in searching for good to happen? Do you think they have "bad luck"? Are they happy overall? I know, no one is happy all of the time, I'm speaking in generalizations. Would you label them a generally happy or a not so happy person?
Do you get where this is going? I sure hope so, because all of the sudden I'm long winded...I know, shocking. ;)
As if I have to spell it out, but I will anyway...
BELIEVE PEOPLE! Say a prayer and BELIEVE prayers are answered! Be happy with the blessings you have in your every day life, because they are all around you. God even makes sure we have a beautiful sunrise and sunset. And if that's the only thing "good" that happened in your world today, it happened, and it was God made, and it was beautiful and amazing! But you have more than that, we all do, everyone that's reading this already has more blessings than most of the world's population. It means you have electricity and a warm, dry place to lie your head tonight. You likely have a loved one with you, or at least a phone call away. You have eyes to see, and the knowledge to read these words.
You are BLESSED in a million ways.
And if you still don't believe me, go outside...right now...and look at the night sky. Wake up early and watch the sunrise. Listen to birds sing. These are all miracles...all blessings. Share them with the world and rejoice, because He loves you, and He wants what's best for you and me.
FAITH, LOVE, JOY -- It doesn't get any better than these things from our Lord. Just ask. Just know it will happen. BELIEVE! xoxo
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Baby boy
Hi all,
Not sure why it's been a few days since my last post, just not too much to say or too much going on, not sure which...maybe a little bit of both.
Hope everyone had a good weekend and Father's Day. I made it through my first FD without my dad, and I made it through...that's about all I have to say about that.
L.J. started a mainstream VPK program on Monday, and he loves it. I don't know why I was stressing so much. He's been in public schools for 2 years in the hearing impaired program, as you know, but this mainstream program is a larger class and obviously no hearing impaired equipment, but he seems to be right at home and totally adjusted. I don't know why I doubted that for one second.
He (L.J.) is so amazing in new situations and around people. He's so friendly and so comfortable, literally anywhere...almost to a fault....it can be scary at how little it bothers him to have full on conversations with any complete stranger that will listen. BUT, I am so glad that his personality is so out-going and that of a leader. I wouldn't want it any other way. Learning to filter a little better who he speaks to and when it's appropriate will come with time and lessons. And unfortunately, he will learn sooner rather than later, that there are those "bad" people in the world that he will need to be weary of. What a sad thing for an innocent child to have to learn. That not everyone is friendly and loving and trustworthy and good.
I'm still waiting for the day he runs into someone who doesn't want to hear about Jesus. When he gets into some conversations with people, he's been known to, mid-conversation, tell people that Jesus lives in our hearts. My sweetie! No one has ever said anything negative to him, and for their sake, they better not say anything in front of me, that would deter him for one minute from the love he feels in his heart for people, but more importantly, for Jesus. It's such a pure, honest love that comes from our kids, and it's heartbreaking to know that one day, they will feel the pain of having that love challenged.
I look at him now, as he's falling asleep...the most still, peaceful moment of my day, and I can't imagine that I wouldn't do anything and everything to protect him from any hurt whatsoever. Funny as you become a mom how suddenly the love our parents have for us completely makes sense. He's so amazingly beautiful and sweet and loving...I could seriously go on forever. I could never love or want to protect anyone more. And even typing those words doesn't seem like enough. There aren't the right words, or powerful enough words to explain the love in every ounce of my being for this little person.
Now, he drives me absolutely insane, don't get me wrong...lol. But in my eyes there is no one on this planet more perfect. He has overcome adversity in is virtual deafness better than anyone I have ever seen deal with any obstacle. Nothing phases this kid. He gets his bumps and bruises. He gets his feelings hurt. He's not always an angel to others. But there is nothing I wouldn't do for him.
He is the absolute love of my life. My best friend, and my everything.
I didn't know this post would be all about L.J., but there ya go.....I love you, my sweet baby boy. <3
Not sure why it's been a few days since my last post, just not too much to say or too much going on, not sure which...maybe a little bit of both.
Hope everyone had a good weekend and Father's Day. I made it through my first FD without my dad, and I made it through...that's about all I have to say about that.
L.J. started a mainstream VPK program on Monday, and he loves it. I don't know why I was stressing so much. He's been in public schools for 2 years in the hearing impaired program, as you know, but this mainstream program is a larger class and obviously no hearing impaired equipment, but he seems to be right at home and totally adjusted. I don't know why I doubted that for one second.
He (L.J.) is so amazing in new situations and around people. He's so friendly and so comfortable, literally anywhere...almost to a fault....it can be scary at how little it bothers him to have full on conversations with any complete stranger that will listen. BUT, I am so glad that his personality is so out-going and that of a leader. I wouldn't want it any other way. Learning to filter a little better who he speaks to and when it's appropriate will come with time and lessons. And unfortunately, he will learn sooner rather than later, that there are those "bad" people in the world that he will need to be weary of. What a sad thing for an innocent child to have to learn. That not everyone is friendly and loving and trustworthy and good.
I'm still waiting for the day he runs into someone who doesn't want to hear about Jesus. When he gets into some conversations with people, he's been known to, mid-conversation, tell people that Jesus lives in our hearts. My sweetie! No one has ever said anything negative to him, and for their sake, they better not say anything in front of me, that would deter him for one minute from the love he feels in his heart for people, but more importantly, for Jesus. It's such a pure, honest love that comes from our kids, and it's heartbreaking to know that one day, they will feel the pain of having that love challenged.
I look at him now, as he's falling asleep...the most still, peaceful moment of my day, and I can't imagine that I wouldn't do anything and everything to protect him from any hurt whatsoever. Funny as you become a mom how suddenly the love our parents have for us completely makes sense. He's so amazingly beautiful and sweet and loving...I could seriously go on forever. I could never love or want to protect anyone more. And even typing those words doesn't seem like enough. There aren't the right words, or powerful enough words to explain the love in every ounce of my being for this little person.
Now, he drives me absolutely insane, don't get me wrong...lol. But in my eyes there is no one on this planet more perfect. He has overcome adversity in is virtual deafness better than anyone I have ever seen deal with any obstacle. Nothing phases this kid. He gets his bumps and bruises. He gets his feelings hurt. He's not always an angel to others. But there is nothing I wouldn't do for him.
He is the absolute love of my life. My best friend, and my everything.
I didn't know this post would be all about L.J., but there ya go.....I love you, my sweet baby boy. <3
Friday, June 17, 2011
More about friends...
Happy Friday!
I'm laughing to myself as I start today's post because I find it entertaining that I'm sharing with you all how my mind works. LOL It's a little unnerving. I think that I "think" way too much. Although maybe everyone "thinks" as much as I do, but not everyone feels the need to share it all on a blog. :) Most of my postings, I imagine, will be about my random thinking. Because that's the stuff on my mind. Maybe people will think it's strange, though I wonder if it's more common to be "deep in thought" than I realize for others too. It's not so much negative topics, as much as it's just the stuff that goes through my mind on various things. God, I think too much!
So, this is what is consuming my thoughts today, ready? I wonder if I'm a good a friend as I think I try to be. I wonder if I care too much, or not enough. How do other people feel about me, or feel about friendships in general? (I know, a lot about friends this week, but it's on my mind, so I'm going with it). I feel like I try to and do, value friendships. I love having friends, I love doing stuff with friends, and I love watching L.J. form those same types of bonds with others. Sometimes I feel like either 1. People don't value friendship the same as I do, or 2. People don't value MY friendship in particular. How do you know which it is? Mind you, this is not intended as a pity party or a posting for anyone to make me feel better about myself, just how my head works at night when I'm alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if people actually like me, like L.J., like doing stuff with us, or if we are just "available". Do people we consider friends, actually consider us friends too? Do I call people friend, assuming that we have a friendship, when really, they don't consider us friends at all? I often feel people pulling away, I'm going though a little of that now. And believe me, I get people are busy! Families and kids come first...I'm totally on board with that. But sometimes I wonder if they are really that busy, or just too busy for me. How do you know? I guess you eventually know, if you tie this back to my last post, when people really pull away and you just don't hear from them at all. How do you not become the person that someone can't get rid of? LOL I don't want to ever be that "friend" that someone can't seem to shake. I want people to want to be my friend. So then I get to the point of, I think I care too much about who wants to be my friend. I went through a long period as an adult where I was so involved in married life, that yes, I had few friends here and there, but not a group of friends to do stuff with often. When I had L.J. all of that changed. It changed initially because he was at home with us, so in an effort to socialize him I joined mom's groups. And from there we formed friendships, or at least what I consider friendships. And the kicker is that now that I have those relationships, I realize what I was missing all those years I was tied up with "just" being a wife. I was missing out! Now, I can't imagine going back to that. I LOVE my family. I love doing stuff with Luis and L.J., just our little family. But I also love having friends and having lots of stuff to do. How do you keep the friendships you value? Well, first and foremost, it definitely takes two. I've had relationships, I'm sure we all have, where you are just the ONLY one doing the work. All the giver and the other person all the taker. And as old as that can get, I still try to be a good friend. Funny thing is that the taker is typically the one that pulls away first, when the giving slows down because the giver is just plain tired of the one way street. But the good, solid friendships, where it's a loving, two way street...how do you keep those going so that you stay on the same page as friends, and have mutual feelings and respect? Those are the friendships I need to worry about...and the thing is, if they are true friendships, there shouldn't BE anything to worry about! I guess that's how you know it's "real". It's easy. It's mutual. You could not talk for a month, but when you do, you pick right up from where you left off and it's never awkward or weird or strained. I LOVE those friends and value those friendships.
I hope they truly feel the same...xoxo
I'm laughing to myself as I start today's post because I find it entertaining that I'm sharing with you all how my mind works. LOL It's a little unnerving. I think that I "think" way too much. Although maybe everyone "thinks" as much as I do, but not everyone feels the need to share it all on a blog. :) Most of my postings, I imagine, will be about my random thinking. Because that's the stuff on my mind. Maybe people will think it's strange, though I wonder if it's more common to be "deep in thought" than I realize for others too. It's not so much negative topics, as much as it's just the stuff that goes through my mind on various things. God, I think too much!
So, this is what is consuming my thoughts today, ready? I wonder if I'm a good a friend as I think I try to be. I wonder if I care too much, or not enough. How do other people feel about me, or feel about friendships in general? (I know, a lot about friends this week, but it's on my mind, so I'm going with it). I feel like I try to and do, value friendships. I love having friends, I love doing stuff with friends, and I love watching L.J. form those same types of bonds with others. Sometimes I feel like either 1. People don't value friendship the same as I do, or 2. People don't value MY friendship in particular. How do you know which it is? Mind you, this is not intended as a pity party or a posting for anyone to make me feel better about myself, just how my head works at night when I'm alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if people actually like me, like L.J., like doing stuff with us, or if we are just "available". Do people we consider friends, actually consider us friends too? Do I call people friend, assuming that we have a friendship, when really, they don't consider us friends at all? I often feel people pulling away, I'm going though a little of that now. And believe me, I get people are busy! Families and kids come first...I'm totally on board with that. But sometimes I wonder if they are really that busy, or just too busy for me. How do you know? I guess you eventually know, if you tie this back to my last post, when people really pull away and you just don't hear from them at all. How do you not become the person that someone can't get rid of? LOL I don't want to ever be that "friend" that someone can't seem to shake. I want people to want to be my friend. So then I get to the point of, I think I care too much about who wants to be my friend. I went through a long period as an adult where I was so involved in married life, that yes, I had few friends here and there, but not a group of friends to do stuff with often. When I had L.J. all of that changed. It changed initially because he was at home with us, so in an effort to socialize him I joined mom's groups. And from there we formed friendships, or at least what I consider friendships. And the kicker is that now that I have those relationships, I realize what I was missing all those years I was tied up with "just" being a wife. I was missing out! Now, I can't imagine going back to that. I LOVE my family. I love doing stuff with Luis and L.J., just our little family. But I also love having friends and having lots of stuff to do. How do you keep the friendships you value? Well, first and foremost, it definitely takes two. I've had relationships, I'm sure we all have, where you are just the ONLY one doing the work. All the giver and the other person all the taker. And as old as that can get, I still try to be a good friend. Funny thing is that the taker is typically the one that pulls away first, when the giving slows down because the giver is just plain tired of the one way street. But the good, solid friendships, where it's a loving, two way street...how do you keep those going so that you stay on the same page as friends, and have mutual feelings and respect? Those are the friendships I need to worry about...and the thing is, if they are true friendships, there shouldn't BE anything to worry about! I guess that's how you know it's "real". It's easy. It's mutual. You could not talk for a month, but when you do, you pick right up from where you left off and it's never awkward or weird or strained. I LOVE those friends and value those friendships.
I hope they truly feel the same...xoxo
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Disconnect?
Evening! Getting on here super late today, just busy, busy, and I like quiet when I post so I can kinda get into my own head. :)
I don't know how long or short this will be, or any post for that matter, till I get into it...just depends on where my mind goes, or how emphatic I am about the subject.
So disconnect.....
Have you ever wondered when or if it's time to disconnect, disassociate, disengage, or slowly drift away from someone? Not necessarily referring to a spouse or significant other, but anyone...family, friends, co-workers, etc. You know the saying, goes something like, friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you get to a point in a relationship that you think you kinda know it was just a reason or a season, when, how, or do you, say good-bye? These are rhetorical questions, by the way, thinking out loud. Every friend, or even family member for that matter, has touched our lives in some way, at some point. They have each been a blessing in their own way at one time or another. But sometimes, it's just time to move on. Why? Who knows...refer back to saying, reason/season...the saying exists because it happens. But how do you "break-up"? Or do you officially "break-up"? Probably not, because there wasn't a fight, disagreement or anything of the sort, it just doesn't work anymore. So what's better or worse....letting a relationship just fade away? That could cause hurt feelings because the other person/people may not understand what happened, or why you fell off the face of the Earth, so to speak. Or do you talk about it, and run the risk of hurting feelings that way? And what would you even say? I try to be a nice, loving friend and family member. I don't think I necessarily have the nerve to say to anyone, "Hey, it was great, but now, not so much, and let's just part our ways." No real reason given, because no real reason exists. Maybe deep down there are little reasons, here and there, but nothing worth sharing because then it may cause a petty fight or hard feelings. And you don't want the relationship to end that way, because it was good, in it's time. People change, situations change. Obviously I've broken up with friends, by losing touch, I guess that's how it happens most often. You find less of a reason to call, or send an email....and it drifts away. Harder with people you were closer too....more emotions involved. I never have this discussion with anyone out loud because even just typing it is making me feel selfish and shallow. Because it's quite possible I may feel the impending break-up, but maybe that other person/people still need me or the friendship in some way. So if their reason or season isn't complete, who am I to cut it short? Maybe the right answer is, you just let it drift away, that way you are sure, or you can at least assume, that both parties are in the same emotional/mental place regarding the relationship. No more effort on both sides, would seal the deal at some point. But then do you end up with 2 people that don't really know what happened, and does that even matter? I guess that is best. Then when you look back, you can say "Yes, I know that person. We were very close at one point, then we just kinda drifted apart, but they were a great friend/co-worker/mentor, etc." Because if you said something to end it, even under the best of intentions, the other person may say, "Um yeah I know that chick. That bitch felt the need to "break-up" our friendship for no real reason." LOL
OK see, the glory of the blog, maybe typing/thinking out loud answered my own questions on the topic. OK, maybe not, one more....if you decide to just let it drift apart naturally, what if it never happens? It hangs on, no direction, no real purpose. You can't set a time limit. What if you're done, and the other person isn't, so the contacting continues, even though you're no longer comfortable. I guess you continue to be a good friend/family member. The person needs you for some reason. God is putting them or keeping them in our path for some reason. Maybe they don't have anyone else, maybe they need an ear, maybe God keeps them there because they need to hear about Him...but there isn't anyone else in their lives who will deliver His message. Everything, everyone....every reason, every season, happens, well, for a reason.
I will keep plugging along, listening to His word and His messages, and help those in my paths along the way. It's the right thing to do.
Maybe when it's all said and done in this posting, I've realized that determining the strength or length of any relationship isn't up to me at all.
I don't know how long or short this will be, or any post for that matter, till I get into it...just depends on where my mind goes, or how emphatic I am about the subject.
So disconnect.....
Have you ever wondered when or if it's time to disconnect, disassociate, disengage, or slowly drift away from someone? Not necessarily referring to a spouse or significant other, but anyone...family, friends, co-workers, etc. You know the saying, goes something like, friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you get to a point in a relationship that you think you kinda know it was just a reason or a season, when, how, or do you, say good-bye? These are rhetorical questions, by the way, thinking out loud. Every friend, or even family member for that matter, has touched our lives in some way, at some point. They have each been a blessing in their own way at one time or another. But sometimes, it's just time to move on. Why? Who knows...refer back to saying, reason/season...the saying exists because it happens. But how do you "break-up"? Or do you officially "break-up"? Probably not, because there wasn't a fight, disagreement or anything of the sort, it just doesn't work anymore. So what's better or worse....letting a relationship just fade away? That could cause hurt feelings because the other person/people may not understand what happened, or why you fell off the face of the Earth, so to speak. Or do you talk about it, and run the risk of hurting feelings that way? And what would you even say? I try to be a nice, loving friend and family member. I don't think I necessarily have the nerve to say to anyone, "Hey, it was great, but now, not so much, and let's just part our ways." No real reason given, because no real reason exists. Maybe deep down there are little reasons, here and there, but nothing worth sharing because then it may cause a petty fight or hard feelings. And you don't want the relationship to end that way, because it was good, in it's time. People change, situations change. Obviously I've broken up with friends, by losing touch, I guess that's how it happens most often. You find less of a reason to call, or send an email....and it drifts away. Harder with people you were closer too....more emotions involved. I never have this discussion with anyone out loud because even just typing it is making me feel selfish and shallow. Because it's quite possible I may feel the impending break-up, but maybe that other person/people still need me or the friendship in some way. So if their reason or season isn't complete, who am I to cut it short? Maybe the right answer is, you just let it drift away, that way you are sure, or you can at least assume, that both parties are in the same emotional/mental place regarding the relationship. No more effort on both sides, would seal the deal at some point. But then do you end up with 2 people that don't really know what happened, and does that even matter? I guess that is best. Then when you look back, you can say "Yes, I know that person. We were very close at one point, then we just kinda drifted apart, but they were a great friend/co-worker/mentor, etc." Because if you said something to end it, even under the best of intentions, the other person may say, "Um yeah I know that chick. That bitch felt the need to "break-up" our friendship for no real reason." LOL
OK see, the glory of the blog, maybe typing/thinking out loud answered my own questions on the topic. OK, maybe not, one more....if you decide to just let it drift apart naturally, what if it never happens? It hangs on, no direction, no real purpose. You can't set a time limit. What if you're done, and the other person isn't, so the contacting continues, even though you're no longer comfortable. I guess you continue to be a good friend/family member. The person needs you for some reason. God is putting them or keeping them in our path for some reason. Maybe they don't have anyone else, maybe they need an ear, maybe God keeps them there because they need to hear about Him...but there isn't anyone else in their lives who will deliver His message. Everything, everyone....every reason, every season, happens, well, for a reason.
I will keep plugging along, listening to His word and His messages, and help those in my paths along the way. It's the right thing to do.
Maybe when it's all said and done in this posting, I've realized that determining the strength or length of any relationship isn't up to me at all.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
He's on my mind...
As I mentioned yesterday, I have a bunch of stuff on my heart and in my mind that I will be talking about at some point I'm sure. I was all geared up with a topic for today's post, until about an hour ago, when it hit me that it's almost Father's Day, and my thoughts took an entire change in direction. The beauty of this blog is that it's a by-the-seat-of-my-pants sorta thing, and well, I can change my mind if I wanna. :)
Not sure where to start...I'm actually speechless...wow, that is a different sensation for me...lol.
Tomorrow, June 15th, is 3 months since I lost my father, suddenly. We still don't have an official cause of death, but I'm 99.9% sure it was a heart attack, in his sleep. I guess if I had to choose a way to go, that would be at the top of the list, so for that, I am thankful that he didn't suffer. Although suffer is a relative term. Let me say, he didn't suffer from an actual sickness or disease that caused his death, but he suffered a lot. He suffered through years with a thankless job for an unappreciative company, of his time and dedication. He suffered the additional task of caring for my step-mother after her stroke 10/11 years ago (let me add here, he NEVER viewed that as a burden in any way. He loved her very much and did the best he could to do what was right by her). He suffered with financial burdens, fairly consistently, but again, did the best he could. He always made sure to try to take Debbie (step-mom) on little vacations, to get her out of the house. Little day trips here and there. Made sure everyone felt loved on birthdays and holidays, but I wish he would've known that all we ever needed or wanted was him. All of him. The visits were more than enough. He was more than enough. I don't think he ever thought that. He had a hard time growing up, though not in appearances. He was an only child of 2 working parents and they did quite well. He was a football player, good looking and popular, and had anything he wanted, materialistically. But....as much as I LOVE and miss my grandparents (another post for another day) he never felt good enough. He was compared to his cousins...he needed to be smarter, faster, stronger. The demands led to bad choices. Too much drinking started in college, he got my unmarried mom pregnant, had me his sophomore year of college, never ended the party lifestyle, and quite honestly, made lots of bad decisions, no one is perfect. He drank a lot while we were growing up (he and my mom divorced when I was 10, my brother and I were then raised with him, my step-mother and her 2 kids), they fought a lot, there were money issues a lot. NONE of it mattered to me...but he always thought it mattered. I was happiest (and I think he was too) in those quiet moments when I was just daddy's little girl...the princess. He loved me so much, I never doubted that for one second. We had fights, problems, times here and there as I became an adult that we didn't even speak for one reason or the other. But I always loved him...with my whole heart. Why does it take someone's passing to see that sometimes? I wanted so much for my dad to be proud of me, and he was, and I know that. As much as there were problems, there was love, and unconditional. He eventually stopped drinking, stopped smoking, grew up so to speak, faced responsibilities and took on way more than any one man should have to. Besides the working and taking care of my step-mom, he also was raising my step-brother's 7 year old daughter. She lived with them full time. He took her to school, school functions, girl scouts, sold cookies with her, took her places parent's normally would take their children....keeping in mind that this wasn't his biological grandchild....it's my step-brother's daughter. BUT my dad NEVER felt like that. He loved her, and all the grandkids with his whole self. He loved kids in general, but definitely don't mess with his crew. Point being, he was a great man, with a great big heart. He died because he was tired. Stressed. And just plain tired. If he were standing over my shoulder right now reading this (and I'm pretending he is...maybe he is), I would tell him so many things:
I love you more than you will ever know. I was always and will always be your little girl.
I miss you more than you will ever know.
You were more amazing, wonderful and special than you will ever know.
Everything you did was more valued than you will ever know.
I wish you were here for the grandkids....I wish you were here for me.
I hate I didn't say these things to you when you were living. I hate I didn't spend more time with you. I feel guilty beyond measure. I hope that every move I make makes you proud of how you raised me and proud of the woman and mother I have become.
You were always good enough, Daddy, and I love you.
Not sure where to start...I'm actually speechless...wow, that is a different sensation for me...lol.
Tomorrow, June 15th, is 3 months since I lost my father, suddenly. We still don't have an official cause of death, but I'm 99.9% sure it was a heart attack, in his sleep. I guess if I had to choose a way to go, that would be at the top of the list, so for that, I am thankful that he didn't suffer. Although suffer is a relative term. Let me say, he didn't suffer from an actual sickness or disease that caused his death, but he suffered a lot. He suffered through years with a thankless job for an unappreciative company, of his time and dedication. He suffered the additional task of caring for my step-mother after her stroke 10/11 years ago (let me add here, he NEVER viewed that as a burden in any way. He loved her very much and did the best he could to do what was right by her). He suffered with financial burdens, fairly consistently, but again, did the best he could. He always made sure to try to take Debbie (step-mom) on little vacations, to get her out of the house. Little day trips here and there. Made sure everyone felt loved on birthdays and holidays, but I wish he would've known that all we ever needed or wanted was him. All of him. The visits were more than enough. He was more than enough. I don't think he ever thought that. He had a hard time growing up, though not in appearances. He was an only child of 2 working parents and they did quite well. He was a football player, good looking and popular, and had anything he wanted, materialistically. But....as much as I LOVE and miss my grandparents (another post for another day) he never felt good enough. He was compared to his cousins...he needed to be smarter, faster, stronger. The demands led to bad choices. Too much drinking started in college, he got my unmarried mom pregnant, had me his sophomore year of college, never ended the party lifestyle, and quite honestly, made lots of bad decisions, no one is perfect. He drank a lot while we were growing up (he and my mom divorced when I was 10, my brother and I were then raised with him, my step-mother and her 2 kids), they fought a lot, there were money issues a lot. NONE of it mattered to me...but he always thought it mattered. I was happiest (and I think he was too) in those quiet moments when I was just daddy's little girl...the princess. He loved me so much, I never doubted that for one second. We had fights, problems, times here and there as I became an adult that we didn't even speak for one reason or the other. But I always loved him...with my whole heart. Why does it take someone's passing to see that sometimes? I wanted so much for my dad to be proud of me, and he was, and I know that. As much as there were problems, there was love, and unconditional. He eventually stopped drinking, stopped smoking, grew up so to speak, faced responsibilities and took on way more than any one man should have to. Besides the working and taking care of my step-mom, he also was raising my step-brother's 7 year old daughter. She lived with them full time. He took her to school, school functions, girl scouts, sold cookies with her, took her places parent's normally would take their children....keeping in mind that this wasn't his biological grandchild....it's my step-brother's daughter. BUT my dad NEVER felt like that. He loved her, and all the grandkids with his whole self. He loved kids in general, but definitely don't mess with his crew. Point being, he was a great man, with a great big heart. He died because he was tired. Stressed. And just plain tired. If he were standing over my shoulder right now reading this (and I'm pretending he is...maybe he is), I would tell him so many things:
I love you more than you will ever know. I was always and will always be your little girl.
I miss you more than you will ever know.
You were more amazing, wonderful and special than you will ever know.
Everything you did was more valued than you will ever know.
I wish you were here for the grandkids....I wish you were here for me.
I hate I didn't say these things to you when you were living. I hate I didn't spend more time with you. I feel guilty beyond measure. I hope that every move I make makes you proud of how you raised me and proud of the woman and mother I have become.
You were always good enough, Daddy, and I love you.
Monday, June 13, 2011
My first time!
So here I am, a new blogger! I'm actually a little nervous, because I want the blog to be raw and honest, but still more light than dark....although we all have our days! I feel sometimes that I can't REALLY put everything on FB because, quite frankly, 95% of the people on the friend's list, probably don't care. They join our lists to just sorta see what we've been up to all these years, maybe check out our kids, see what type of work we do, if we made anything out of ourselves since school...but you never hear from them. I often think about cleaning through my friends list, I've done it once or twice, and deleted people who either were just way too negative constantly, way too much cursing, and I wasn't close to them to begin with so what was the point, right? But I find that I keep a lot of people for the same reasons I think of deleting them....I see what they made of themselves, check out their kids, but don't really say anything...which leads me to believe I must be something of a FB hypocrite...lol. So my friend's list mostly remains in tact. Since I feel the need to be mostly pleasant and happy on FB, it leaves little room to sometimes just say what I really feel, where I can get it out of my system, and have control over who I let see what. Therefore, not hurting feeling, and hopefully, the people that decide to follow actually do care if I'm having a hard time/bad day, and don't necessarily mind if I am whining too much. :) I want a place to blog my life and not feel judged...I most certainly cannot do that on FB...or I guess I could, but I play the game like I suppose many do. Perfect husband, perfect kid, perfect job, perfect pics....to many which I would like to scream BULLSHIT, and do often scream that at my computer. Sometimes I'm pretty sure FB exists just so I can feel bad about myself...lol. Funny thing is, I'm more addicted to it than most people I know. So here's to my first post on my first blog. You will get sick of my pics of my not-so-perfect kid, but perfect to me in every way. You will get sick of hearing about my job, or my husband...but you can trust it will be truly how I feel...as bi-polar as it may come off...you know, I'm in love with everything in one post, and the very next post I'm ready to go postal. But I'm just me, and I'm done apologizing for it!
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