Self-esteem, anyone?

Hi Everyone!

Sorry I haven't been more consistent with my blogging.  Guess I'm still getting into the groove.  I actually think about it daily, but just don't always feel like I have any big contribution to the internet on most days.  ;)

Then, because I'm so overly critical of myself anyway, and because I read other blogs, I feel like my blog won't be as funny/insightful/interesting....pick an adjective.  So I don't post anything!  Maybe I need to not read so many others, OR, here's a concept, STOP being so overly critical of myself and accept that my blog can be any way I want it.  Seems as though, based on prior postings, I'm leaning towards whatever seems to be on my mind on that given day...not funny, or necessarily insightful, but it's my personal thoughts and I guess that's all that matters.

I have yet to write a post that turns out on the topic I intended for the day. I start typing on here, but I have not yet actually written about what I planned to.  Which is weird, isn't it?  Damn this undiagnosed adult ADD!  So, I was going to post about one of 2 topics...super-moms, or my sixth sense...looking like those are going to wait.

Instead, just in those 3 short paragraphs above, I'm going to talk about myself...which means, my flaws.  See, no self-esteem.
I feel like sometimes I can pretend well, like I actually have some confidence somewhere inside, but no, really not.  I wonder what happens to us in our lives that makes us lose that ability to love ourselves more, flaws and all.

And more importantly, how do we not pass that along to our children.  I'm more than certain that children are born with some infantile form of self-esteem.  Babies, toddlers, children...all famously selfish and believe the world revolves around their needs and wants, right?  I don't mean that negatively at all, just a fact.  They want what they want when they want it, and 100% believe they deserve whatever it is.  So, when do we lose that?  What happens that makes us decide that we aren't entitled to what we want when we want it?

Could have been any of the following, with examples:

Parents - either too submissive or critical of themselves or the other end of the spectrum, too demanding and we feel we don't measure up.
Other kids - being mean, bossy, unkind, or some mixture of all of that.
Teachers - not being responsive or attentive to our emotional needs as well as the need to learn.
Ourselves - Are some of us born to, at some point after basic, primal needs are met, just be passive and submissive and not think much of ourselves.

No clue.  Maybe a combination of some nature, some nurture, I presume.

Then, when we do lose our confidence, how do we/can we, get it back?  Some days are good, some days aren't.  Sometimes I feel like a patient, understanding wife, sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I feel like a good mom, who tries to discipline but also love unconditionally.  Sometimes I feel like I'm failing him, too.

Though overall, I do have to say I don't worry as much as I use to.  I think that as I get older, my faith definitely has matured and deepened, and as that occurred, I trusted more and more to put my worries in the only real place that offers true solutions.  For me, that is God.  I used to always worry about what others think, what others had, and how I didn't measure up.  And somewhere along the way, really in just the last few years, I can honestly say I let a lot of it go.  God has my plan, and He has it under control, and I believe it with my whole heart.  That helps A LOT!

Even though my worries are lifted, I still want to be better.  And I don't think it's a bad thing to want to be a better person overall.  I want to be a more faithful Christian, a more loving wife, a more patient mom, a more successful employee, a more reliable family member and friend.  So maybe in order to build confidence, I just work on those things, every day, one day at a time.  And take pride in each small accomplishment.

At the end of every day, instead of being filled with worry, sadness or criticism, in your prayers at night or even just to yourself, say, "I did the best I could do today.  I gave what I could.  I wasn't perfect and I never will be.  But I will do it all again tomorrow, and I will do just a tiny bit better and I will be proud of myself for it."

You can't just say the words, believe it.  Believe in yourself.  I will believe in myself, too.  xoxo