Sighhhhhhhh....
Just when you think you got the mommy thing figured out.
L.J. has been misbehaving at school the last few days...to the point that today, I even got a phone call from the lead VPK teacher. I won't get into it, but basic not listening, sprinkled with just off the wall wildness. They understand, to a point, that he's trying to be funny, get attention, and is not malicious in his intent, and is a sweetheart....but....obviously in school is not necessarily the place for his "performances".
With that said, it completely and totally puts me over the edge when he misbehaves. I have very low tolerance for it. And I can't figure out if I expect too much from him as a 5 year old boy, or if I expect too much from myself as a mom. Because when he gets in trouble, I 100% internalize it. I think it is absolutely my fault, and I am the worst mother to ever walk the face of the Earth.
Sometimes I think I can't be 'that' bad. Because he is a sweet, loving, kind (most of the time) kid. He's a leader and very outgoing and funny. But those same traits get him into trouble. And I feel like I'm failing on how to teach him the proper place and time for his antics.
At almost 6 years old, I'm having a harder and harder time buying into people saying "he's only 5" or "he's acting like a normal 5 year old boy". It's just not acceptable to me any more. I feel like some of what he does is very immature for his age, and unnecessary and uncalled for. 5 year old boy, or not.
So, I sit here for the last few days wondering where I went wrong. Is he doomed to this life of misbehavior and immaturity? I know, I'm being irrational and dramatic with that statement, but really, when does it end and get better? And what the hell am I doing wrong?
I am, by nature, very Type A and a perfectionist about many things, and very hard on myself. But I seriously question my mother abilities. I have to be going wrong somewhere if I can't teach my son how to act appropriately at school, or how to treat his teachers with more respect.
Is this why it took me so long to have him? If I am not capable at 40, no wonder I didn't have him any younger, and no wonder I only have one. God knows I don't want to be a failure at even more than one child.
How can you love someone so much, yet feel like you are completely failing them? I am, essentially, his life. I am the one solid in his life, and the one he's always had. He doesn't depend on anyone like he depends on me to take care of him and do what's right for him. And I feel like I am letting him down. I'm letting myself down. I'm letting everyone down.
I feel like I'm not even worthy of being his mom, because I'm not doing it right anyway. :'(
Sorry for the pity party. Good Night. xoxo
wow....my thoughts exactly, on Riley. Boys are more immature than girls, Rileys acts and behaves like a two year old most of the time he is with me...inappropriate behavior, doesn't listen doesn't get the the punishment, doesn't get why he has to be good...ect...He is Dx'ed ADD, short attention span, hard time focusing, but still with his medicine he is extremely difficult to handle, I find myself battling him all day long, part of the reason he is in summer reading camp is because "I" wanted peace and quiet during the day, how horrible is that! I yell at him more tan anything, he misbehaves more than anything...he is the oldest, I do think that he craves attention and this is just how he thinks he can get it and yet he knows the rules....I have yet to come up with a plan to get him to behave and respect ....
ReplyDeleteNow ...LJ on the other hand has you teo to himself all the time. Perhaps the 'only child' syndrome is key here?
were not bad moms...if we were, God would not have trusted us with these abundent blessings to care for....
With me though, he's 'ok' a lot of the time...yes he gets carried away at times and doesn't always listen the first time, but school is another story. I think part of the summer issue is that he's used to a smaller class size with his hearing impaired class, therefore, more attention, and they are definitely way more loving, etc. But, what I need him to understand is that when he does mainstream permanently, he is going to be in larger classes all of the time, with less one on one, but still needs to act appropriately and focus. Sometimes I wonder about ADD with him...especially because of his attention span and his impulsiveness...but on the other hand, he does learn well, for example, was able to sit with no problem to write that apology letter with me. So I don't know. I try to be patient because he responds so much better to positive reinforcement, than to punishment, which is actually typical of ADD behavior (positive better because negative reinforcement they don't respond too because they don't 'get' the idea of consequences-- from what I've read anyway). Sigh...
ReplyDeleteWhen I sit with Riley he can do things very well, the right way, with no time issue....its when he is without someone helping him, or next to him, or without some that is going to say keep on track riley....that his mind wanders and goes elsewhere, and his work suffers...does it all wrong...he learns very well one on one or in small groups, which is what his IEP is in place for...extra time on tests, more frequent breaks during tests, one on one's...ect. all you do for a Diagnosis is fill out a questionaire, have the teachers fill out one for them and talk to the doctor about different issues you see...Riley had his DX in april 2010, and this past school year toward the end of it, we finally had an IEP in place...and it can be modified when ever. I have a really hard time with punishment ... I'm just hoping it all levels out sooner rather than later, I am out of things to try... (I'm not pushing the ADD thing here with you, but it is an option, because if he is DX'ed with it, then he could get the IEP...and have the education modified to him....(ps, I think that him being Hearing Impaired might even qualify for one?)Boys are just hard as heck to raise....Parker is starting to get testy!
ReplyDeleteYep he has an IEP for his hearing impaired class...we've had 3 so far, good times...lol. His impulsiveness is already in there as well. I just hate for him to have another label, although when he does mainstream it would help get him the extra help. I just hate the stigma that people have with that diagnosis. I keep hoping he will "snap out of it", especially since in the normal school year, with his IEP, he already does have the benefit of the smaller class size and more one on one. Maybe I wait till end of kindergarten to address that, if he's still having the impulsive issues. I keep hoping it will get better with maturity.
ReplyDeleteYeah give it the year and see... hate the label too...because it just makes me feel like I did something wrong raising him....
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