It Just Sucks

Wow -- 7 months since I've blogged.  Probably defeats the purpose of a blog.  But today, I feel like I need to write to sort this out.

Not even sure anyone reads this and it's fine either way.  I'm doing this for me.  It's going to be negative and rambling and may not even make sense.  You've been warned.

So a lot of people outside of my immediate friend/family circle don't know this about me, probably.  But I suffer from anxiety and depression.  And some times it's good, then something happens, and I feel like I go into this downward spiral towards a pit that has no way out.

That's where I am.

No one knows -- till now, if you're reading this.  I don't like to talk about it, as I know we all have our own things in life to deal with.  Quite frankly, I'm sure no one wants to hear about it.  And because I'm in this state, I suspect no one cares.

If you've never dealt with depression, let me tell you this -- when you are in this state of mind,  you have never felt so alone.  You can surround yourself with 100 people, but you've never felt so alone.  Let me give you a taste of how I feel at this moment.

Completely alone, even though I'm not in the physical sense.  I mean alone in my head.  Like no one understands.  No one sees past the smile.  Like no one would care even if they did know.

I feel angry, all. the. time.  I'm angry at myself because I don't understand why I feel like I do.  I'm angry at every person I am around because the slightest thing sets me off.  I'm angry because no one listens.  I'm angry because I think I'm a horrible mother and a terrible wife.  I'm angry that I don't know how to be better at those things.  I'm angry because no matter what I do or how hard I try, my life just never gets better.  I'm angry that I feel all of those things.  I'm angry because I don't know what's truth and what is the depression.

I feel like everything I do is just putting on a show.  I just go through the motions of what I think I should be doing.  I feel like everything is a facade.  Like I try to be a good employee -- say the right things, stay on top of things, try to make good decisions, but inside, I feel completely inadequate and lost.  I try to be a good wife -- I'm not even close to compassionate, reasonable or understanding with my husband.

I try -- God knows I try more than anything ever in my life -- to be a good mother.  I'm not.  And it breaks my heart.  And this bothers me more than all of the rest combined.  I would like to think that because I care so much whether or not I'm a good mom, then by default, it makes me a good mom -- but I don't think that at all.  Yep, I do stuff with him....activities, homework, play -- all of it.  It's not enough.  It's not enough because when I feel like I feel, then I am not connecting emotionally to him.  I feel like he feels it too.  Maybe that's why he's been getting in trouble more lately.  He feels me disconnected?  Or doesn't love me?  At this point, it could be either.  I feel like all I do is yell.  I'm mean.  He probably hates me, though he's never said that -- yet.

The funny thing about feeling alone, is that I want to be alone.  I want to pull away from everyone, because I just feel like I'm toxic anyway.  I don't want to talk to friends, or family.  I do it, because it's expected of me, and because it's not their fault.  And I put on the front, but sometimes it's hard to just hide behind a smile.  It's hard to listen to everyone else, try to make conversation, even though you aren't connected -- just smile and nod, answer in small sentences.  It just gets harder and harder to keep that up.

So if I haven't texted you, or have been short in replies, this is my apology.  If I've cancelled plans with you, I'm sorry.  I wish I could help it.  I wish I could snap out of it.  It takes time.  I don't know how long, because in the middle of it, it feels like forever.

It feels like I have no joy, no hope.  Nothing makes me smile, laugh, happy.  I feel like every single aspect of my life sucks.  And the worst part of feeling like that, if you're me, is that isn't the core of my personality.  I'm not a down, negative person (typically).  On the inside, my core is bubbly, happy, out-going, positive.  So for someone like that to feel like this -- makes it that much worse.  And makes it impossible to understand or accept.

I am going to post this, but I'm not sure why.  It's definitely not for a pity party or anything of the sort.  Maybe I'm hoping someone just understands.  Has felt this same exact way and it makes sense to someone.

If you read this and didn't know any of this, hopefully you don't think I'm a complete moron.  And if you've never felt this way, it's probably hard to understand.  I don't want attention, I just want to come out of it and feel better.

I'm still the same person -- just sometimes broken.