Sighhhhhhhh....
Just when you think you got the mommy thing figured out.
L.J. has been misbehaving at school the last few days...to the point that today, I even got a phone call from the lead VPK teacher. I won't get into it, but basic not listening, sprinkled with just off the wall wildness. They understand, to a point, that he's trying to be funny, get attention, and is not malicious in his intent, and is a sweetheart....but....obviously in school is not necessarily the place for his "performances".
With that said, it completely and totally puts me over the edge when he misbehaves. I have very low tolerance for it. And I can't figure out if I expect too much from him as a 5 year old boy, or if I expect too much from myself as a mom. Because when he gets in trouble, I 100% internalize it. I think it is absolutely my fault, and I am the worst mother to ever walk the face of the Earth.
Sometimes I think I can't be 'that' bad. Because he is a sweet, loving, kind (most of the time) kid. He's a leader and very outgoing and funny. But those same traits get him into trouble. And I feel like I'm failing on how to teach him the proper place and time for his antics.
At almost 6 years old, I'm having a harder and harder time buying into people saying "he's only 5" or "he's acting like a normal 5 year old boy". It's just not acceptable to me any more. I feel like some of what he does is very immature for his age, and unnecessary and uncalled for. 5 year old boy, or not.
So, I sit here for the last few days wondering where I went wrong. Is he doomed to this life of misbehavior and immaturity? I know, I'm being irrational and dramatic with that statement, but really, when does it end and get better? And what the hell am I doing wrong?
I am, by nature, very Type A and a perfectionist about many things, and very hard on myself. But I seriously question my mother abilities. I have to be going wrong somewhere if I can't teach my son how to act appropriately at school, or how to treat his teachers with more respect.
Is this why it took me so long to have him? If I am not capable at 40, no wonder I didn't have him any younger, and no wonder I only have one. God knows I don't want to be a failure at even more than one child.
How can you love someone so much, yet feel like you are completely failing them? I am, essentially, his life. I am the one solid in his life, and the one he's always had. He doesn't depend on anyone like he depends on me to take care of him and do what's right for him. And I feel like I am letting him down. I'm letting myself down. I'm letting everyone down.
I feel like I'm not even worthy of being his mom, because I'm not doing it right anyway. :'(
Sorry for the pity party. Good Night. xoxo
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Talk...
What a roller coaster week. Not necessarily in a bad way, just feel like I have been all over the place, mentally. Besides work drama, L.J. got his new hearing aids, we had some long awaited answers to some financial type issues, etc. Nothing over the top, just life, I guess. You know how things always seem to happen all at once!
Anyway, L.J. and I were at dinner tonight (Luis has spent a few days at his family's house this week -- nothing wrong, just visiting), and I was making some observations that made me think.
First of all, some people are just plain grouchy. My goodness, lighten up people! I have bad days the same as anyone, but if I had to go through life just being a generally unhappy person, I would go insane. So not me!
Not everyone, of course. Some people actually renew my hope in man kind.
L.J. is at the age where he wants me to read EVERYTHING to him. Which is fine, I like doing it, and I help him sound out the words with me. When I was taking him to school this morning, he asked me to read the back of the school bus that was in front of the school. I was and I was touching the words helping him sound them out, I didn't realize the driver and assistant were on the bus watching. Do you know they invited L.J. on the bus and took like just 3 or 4 minutes with him to show him how all the buttons work to turn on the lights and all? It only took a few minutes out of their day, but it made his whole day, and they probably don't even know. He walked off the bus and said, "Wow.... Mommy, that was awesome!" LOL
So simple, but so important to a little boy. Or any child, for people to just take the time with them. You never, ever know how the simplest of gestures may impact another person's day...positive or negative.
So think about it next time you're a grouch...especially to a kid, no wait, especially to MY kid.
L.J. LOVES to sing/dance/act. If you know him, you know that all too well. :) So at the table he was singing me this penguin song he learned at school (which I also love because it's helped to teach him left from right...score!). Do you know that he was dirty looked by adults from 2 different tables? Really people? He's 5, and he likes to entertain....he wasn't screaming, he was singing while we waited for dinner.
So bonus for you, dinner AND a free show....GAH, lighten up!
Then secondly, I noticed something more. These same 2 couples from 2 different tables, discussed over menus, I assume what they would be ordering....then never spoke again. Isn't that sad? They ordered, and all 4 adults gazed out of the windows like they wanted to be anywhere else, other than sitting across from the person whom I assume, is supposed to be the love of their life.
Based on how they were all dressed, I also assume they had been at work all day. And they were all probably in their 40's (so maybe kids, certainly work, geez even the weather) and there is nothing to talk about? Then I almost understood why they were aggravated by L.J.'s apparent happiness.
My child's simple, pure happiness reminded them of how unhappy they were, in that same moment. He wasn't "bothering" them, he made their insides hurt -- he made them sad. Yes, I know I overanalyze things, but just stay with me.
I know everyone is not happy and joyful every minute or every day. Luis and I have had MORE than enough drama for about 10 marriages. But it was more than that for those 2 couples. It was all over their faces, in their posture and body language. If you don't have anything else to talk about, then what's the point?
With ALL that we have been through in our marriage, and even things we still go through (I believe marriage is always a work in progress), I still go to bed every night knowing that I'm married to my best friend...even if we had a bad day. And with him out of work and me working from home, we are together ALL. THE. TIME. But we still talk constantly!
So instead of being defensive that they obviously didn't appreciate my son's entertainment as much as I, I smiled at them as we got up to leave. Only one of the 4 smiled back. But, just like the bus driver this morning, you never, ever know how the simplest of gestures may impact another person's day...positive or negative.
If I had dirty looked them back, all that would've done was confirm the sadness/disgust/unhappiness, whatever it is they were feeling in that moment would have been confirmed by another "grouchy" person. I don't want to be that person to anyone, not even a stranger if I can help it. Even L.J. made eye contact with them and said goodbye.
If you don't have anything to talk about at dinner out with your life partner, think of something. Don't look out of a window. Be present.
Be present so the other person feels you. And they in turn will be present.
Talk about anything, or smile, and reach for their hand. And say nothing. But BE there.
One day they won't be. And you'll wish you had someone to talk to, as opposed to sitting quietly, looking out of a window.
xoxo
Anyway, L.J. and I were at dinner tonight (Luis has spent a few days at his family's house this week -- nothing wrong, just visiting), and I was making some observations that made me think.
First of all, some people are just plain grouchy. My goodness, lighten up people! I have bad days the same as anyone, but if I had to go through life just being a generally unhappy person, I would go insane. So not me!
Not everyone, of course. Some people actually renew my hope in man kind.
L.J. is at the age where he wants me to read EVERYTHING to him. Which is fine, I like doing it, and I help him sound out the words with me. When I was taking him to school this morning, he asked me to read the back of the school bus that was in front of the school. I was and I was touching the words helping him sound them out, I didn't realize the driver and assistant were on the bus watching. Do you know they invited L.J. on the bus and took like just 3 or 4 minutes with him to show him how all the buttons work to turn on the lights and all? It only took a few minutes out of their day, but it made his whole day, and they probably don't even know. He walked off the bus and said, "Wow.... Mommy, that was awesome!" LOL
So simple, but so important to a little boy. Or any child, for people to just take the time with them. You never, ever know how the simplest of gestures may impact another person's day...positive or negative.
So think about it next time you're a grouch...especially to a kid, no wait, especially to MY kid.
L.J. LOVES to sing/dance/act. If you know him, you know that all too well. :) So at the table he was singing me this penguin song he learned at school (which I also love because it's helped to teach him left from right...score!). Do you know that he was dirty looked by adults from 2 different tables? Really people? He's 5, and he likes to entertain....he wasn't screaming, he was singing while we waited for dinner.
So bonus for you, dinner AND a free show....GAH, lighten up!
Then secondly, I noticed something more. These same 2 couples from 2 different tables, discussed over menus, I assume what they would be ordering....then never spoke again. Isn't that sad? They ordered, and all 4 adults gazed out of the windows like they wanted to be anywhere else, other than sitting across from the person whom I assume, is supposed to be the love of their life.
Based on how they were all dressed, I also assume they had been at work all day. And they were all probably in their 40's (so maybe kids, certainly work, geez even the weather) and there is nothing to talk about? Then I almost understood why they were aggravated by L.J.'s apparent happiness.
My child's simple, pure happiness reminded them of how unhappy they were, in that same moment. He wasn't "bothering" them, he made their insides hurt -- he made them sad. Yes, I know I overanalyze things, but just stay with me.
I know everyone is not happy and joyful every minute or every day. Luis and I have had MORE than enough drama for about 10 marriages. But it was more than that for those 2 couples. It was all over their faces, in their posture and body language. If you don't have anything else to talk about, then what's the point?
With ALL that we have been through in our marriage, and even things we still go through (I believe marriage is always a work in progress), I still go to bed every night knowing that I'm married to my best friend...even if we had a bad day. And with him out of work and me working from home, we are together ALL. THE. TIME. But we still talk constantly!
So instead of being defensive that they obviously didn't appreciate my son's entertainment as much as I, I smiled at them as we got up to leave. Only one of the 4 smiled back. But, just like the bus driver this morning, you never, ever know how the simplest of gestures may impact another person's day...positive or negative.
If I had dirty looked them back, all that would've done was confirm the sadness/disgust/unhappiness, whatever it is they were feeling in that moment would have been confirmed by another "grouchy" person. I don't want to be that person to anyone, not even a stranger if I can help it. Even L.J. made eye contact with them and said goodbye.
If you don't have anything to talk about at dinner out with your life partner, think of something. Don't look out of a window. Be present.
Be present so the other person feels you. And they in turn will be present.
Talk about anything, or smile, and reach for their hand. And say nothing. But BE there.
One day they won't be. And you'll wish you had someone to talk to, as opposed to sitting quietly, looking out of a window.
xoxo
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
True Love?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or not even at first sight, necessarily, but quick love (a few weeks or a few months)? Real love. Is that possible, for it to happen that quickly?
I think when you're young you absolutely think that what you feel is real, true love. It's an intense, new feeling, and since you have no other way to describe it, because it's new, you call it love (correctly or incorrectly).
Fast forward several years, and you definitely learn that, as intense as your feelings were when you were younger, with your current partner or a previous one, that it probably wasn't "really" love. Let me clarify what I mean by love. I think that you can have a certain love for people you've only known a short time (include in this the possibilities that it could just be deep 'like', or lust, or just a caring for that person). But real, true, soul-completing, love? Nope, I don't believe it, not in the way I mean.
I mean a love that is so intense, that you climb mountains together, and through the worst of storms, you eventually come out on top, and together. A love that you are sure that though sickness, health, rich or poor, you REALLY would stay together. And I don't think you can honestly answer that in a newer love, because you haven't faced any of those challenges yet, so truly you don't know what you would do.
True love transcends time, trials, troubles. And through all of those things, your love may not always be as intense, but it's always there.
Also, I totally think that through the course of your life you can have a real love with more than one person. People get remarried all the time, and I believe that they loved their first spouse at the time, and some relationships aren't always going to be forever. And I believe you could love your second (or more) spouse with as much, if not more, love than the first.
But in saying that, I don't believe it's possible to love EVERYONE you've ever been with. I don't think that every relationship is true love, regardless of how you think you feel at the time. There is no way that every person you have a relationship with is "the one". There are those relationships in which the dating is really enough. And it's new and fun, potentially lustful, and caring, but are they all "love"? No.
Don't be so fooled and rushed to fall in "love" that you sacrifice you who are, just to be in "love".
And don't ever be afraid to be alone. Or just date someone. Every single relationship doesn't have to be the end all, be all.
Love yourself first and foremost. And love yourself enough to just "be". You don't have to be constantly in a hot and heavy relationship just to feel validated as a worthy human being. You are enough just as you.
XOXO
I think when you're young you absolutely think that what you feel is real, true love. It's an intense, new feeling, and since you have no other way to describe it, because it's new, you call it love (correctly or incorrectly).
Fast forward several years, and you definitely learn that, as intense as your feelings were when you were younger, with your current partner or a previous one, that it probably wasn't "really" love. Let me clarify what I mean by love. I think that you can have a certain love for people you've only known a short time (include in this the possibilities that it could just be deep 'like', or lust, or just a caring for that person). But real, true, soul-completing, love? Nope, I don't believe it, not in the way I mean.
I mean a love that is so intense, that you climb mountains together, and through the worst of storms, you eventually come out on top, and together. A love that you are sure that though sickness, health, rich or poor, you REALLY would stay together. And I don't think you can honestly answer that in a newer love, because you haven't faced any of those challenges yet, so truly you don't know what you would do.
True love transcends time, trials, troubles. And through all of those things, your love may not always be as intense, but it's always there.
Also, I totally think that through the course of your life you can have a real love with more than one person. People get remarried all the time, and I believe that they loved their first spouse at the time, and some relationships aren't always going to be forever. And I believe you could love your second (or more) spouse with as much, if not more, love than the first.
But in saying that, I don't believe it's possible to love EVERYONE you've ever been with. I don't think that every relationship is true love, regardless of how you think you feel at the time. There is no way that every person you have a relationship with is "the one". There are those relationships in which the dating is really enough. And it's new and fun, potentially lustful, and caring, but are they all "love"? No.
Don't be so fooled and rushed to fall in "love" that you sacrifice you who are, just to be in "love".
And don't ever be afraid to be alone. Or just date someone. Every single relationship doesn't have to be the end all, be all.
Love yourself first and foremost. And love yourself enough to just "be". You don't have to be constantly in a hot and heavy relationship just to feel validated as a worthy human being. You are enough just as you.
XOXO
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Randomness
Evening!
So I've been wondering something lately....am I the queen weirdo of strange, irrelevant, random thoughts....or is this common and people don't talk about it? Just those weird things that pop into your head for no apparent reason. Things will pop into my head, and I actually start to ponder them...then I find myself shaking my head and thinking, "Why am I even thinking about that? Does everyone do this, or am I 'special'?"
Ready to peer into my mind of randomness? Don't be afraid. Or maybe be afraid, because I still don't know if this is common or not.
Random thoughts, lately:
1. Has the very first or very last Lotto ticket purchased for any given jackpot, ever been the winner?
2. Is that squirrel sitting spread eagle because he's watching something, or because he's laying on a surface that's making his belly cooler?
3. Do I like the color pink because I think as a girl I'm supposed to, so I've been conditioned to like it. Or do I actually enjoy the color? And who decided pink was for girls and blue was for boys?
4. When was it decided that we needed to layer clothes? If our ancestors only wore loin cloths, which turned into clothes because...?? Eventual modestly, weather? So when people started to wear more and more material, who decided that we still needed material underneath (i.e. bras and underwear)? Is it a gravity thing only? I think this came to me when I was doing laundry.
5. Who decides that rude things are indeed rude? Does someone decide certain mannerisms are rude because someone found it displeasing, and why is something displeasing? For example, I don't like the sound of someone smacking gum. I think it sounds loud, and rude. But why do I think that? It's really not any louder than someone talking, right? And why do I think it's rude? Who decided chewing with your mouth open was rude? Because we don't want to see the chewing? Why is that wrong, and chewing with your mouth closed is right? Insert any pet peeve into this thought process. Are things we label as rude, rude because we were taught that something is rude (chewing with your mouth open, elbows on the table, speaking over others, etc), or because we just don't like it, but why don't we? I went round and round with this one, as you can see.
Those are just a small, small, sample of my insane thinking. And here is the thing, when I refer to these thought processes, I don't mean they crossed my mind for a split second, then I went on with my day. I will spend actual time thinking about these things....like really pondering.
So, my original question, is that normal, and we just don't talk to each other about it because we all think we are weird or different? And actually, who decided it was weird or different to have several random thoughts through the course of the day?
Not weird at all to me! :) xoxo
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
News Flash...
.....It's not all about you! No, really, it's not. You may think it is, but no, it's not.
**Editor's Note: The following post refers to no one person in particular. It's a general rant, if you will. I'm sure there is a piece of this in all of us, at one time or another. So take from it what you will, maybe, at the very least, it will cause you to think.
Sometimes I feel like the general population is bursting at the seams with martyrdom and narcissism.
Let's throw out some definitions of the two:
Martyrdom - extreme suffering; torment. (I'm referring to the perceived or self-inflicted form of this.)
Narcissism - inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
First off, you're not a martyr. No really, you're not. You don't have any more or any less stress, problems, issues, obstacles, that other people either don't have, possibly much worse, or have had at some point in their lives. So get over it. Do what you can do today, then do what you can do tomorrow, and move the hell on. Stop complaining, stop whining, stop thinking the world is against you, stop looking for answers outside of yourself, and STOP turning away from God. Plain and simple.
Second, you're not so amazingly fantastic that everything needs to be all about you, all the time. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with loving one's self - very important. Self-confidence, self-esteem is not what I'm referring to. What I am referring to is the constant need of a narcissist to think that they are above everyone and they are all that matters most of the time. Because it's not the case. Not at all. And while you are busy looking in the mirror (metaphorically speaking) other people are laughing at your selfishness. It makes you appear simple minded, not strong. And it's not how we were intended.
It was intended for us to be giving, compassionate, selfless, loving others (key word - others), due unto them as you would yourself.
And guess what, when you start to focus on the good, on the blessings, on the people around you...surprise -- good things happen, for you and around you. You don't have bad luck, no one is out to get you, people aren't more fortunate than you -- because fortune is all relevant.
YOU make your luck, your fortune -- through prayer and faithfulness; through optimism. Does it take struggle and heartache to reach through the darkness sometimes -- yes, of course. But you're not the only one who's ever been in the dark. My guess is that your darkest moments, aren't necessarily nearly as dark as some others.
We get through it, we live to fight and love another day.
Don't hide yourself away in self pity, in stress, in loathing.
We only have one life to live. Stop living in the self created shadows of being the martyr, the victim, or in extreme vanity.
Everyone has been dealt lemons at some point, make lemonade, hell, grab tequila, whatever it takes. But stop being so damn uptight!
It's not all about you. Really. We are all in this together.
xoxo
**Editor's Note: The following post refers to no one person in particular. It's a general rant, if you will. I'm sure there is a piece of this in all of us, at one time or another. So take from it what you will, maybe, at the very least, it will cause you to think.
Sometimes I feel like the general population is bursting at the seams with martyrdom and narcissism.
Let's throw out some definitions of the two:
Martyrdom - extreme suffering; torment. (I'm referring to the perceived or self-inflicted form of this.)
Narcissism - inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
First off, you're not a martyr. No really, you're not. You don't have any more or any less stress, problems, issues, obstacles, that other people either don't have, possibly much worse, or have had at some point in their lives. So get over it. Do what you can do today, then do what you can do tomorrow, and move the hell on. Stop complaining, stop whining, stop thinking the world is against you, stop looking for answers outside of yourself, and STOP turning away from God. Plain and simple.
Second, you're not so amazingly fantastic that everything needs to be all about you, all the time. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with loving one's self - very important. Self-confidence, self-esteem is not what I'm referring to. What I am referring to is the constant need of a narcissist to think that they are above everyone and they are all that matters most of the time. Because it's not the case. Not at all. And while you are busy looking in the mirror (metaphorically speaking) other people are laughing at your selfishness. It makes you appear simple minded, not strong. And it's not how we were intended.
It was intended for us to be giving, compassionate, selfless, loving others (key word - others), due unto them as you would yourself.
And guess what, when you start to focus on the good, on the blessings, on the people around you...surprise -- good things happen, for you and around you. You don't have bad luck, no one is out to get you, people aren't more fortunate than you -- because fortune is all relevant.
YOU make your luck, your fortune -- through prayer and faithfulness; through optimism. Does it take struggle and heartache to reach through the darkness sometimes -- yes, of course. But you're not the only one who's ever been in the dark. My guess is that your darkest moments, aren't necessarily nearly as dark as some others.
We get through it, we live to fight and love another day.
Don't hide yourself away in self pity, in stress, in loathing.
We only have one life to live. Stop living in the self created shadows of being the martyr, the victim, or in extreme vanity.
Everyone has been dealt lemons at some point, make lemonade, hell, grab tequila, whatever it takes. But stop being so damn uptight!
It's not all about you. Really. We are all in this together.
xoxo
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Vocabulary Lesson
Afternoon!
I feel compelled lately to share the words that we need to include in our vocabulary on a daily basis.
If you have been feeling like a Debbie Downer or Negative Nelly this is what I want you to tell yourself.
Let's play school, and use them in a sentence each day! ;)
I can.
I will.
I'm strong enough.
I'm smart enough.
I'm good enough. (and dog-gone-it, people like me! Sorry channeling 90's SNL humor :))
I'm liked.
I'm loved.
I believe. And my stress is relieved.
I have faith. And my worries are lifted.
I'm abundantly blessed!
xoxo,
Me
I feel compelled lately to share the words that we need to include in our vocabulary on a daily basis.
If you have been feeling like a Debbie Downer or Negative Nelly this is what I want you to tell yourself.
Let's play school, and use them in a sentence each day! ;)
I can.
I will.
I'm strong enough.
I'm smart enough.
I'm good enough. (and dog-gone-it, people like me! Sorry channeling 90's SNL humor :))
I'm liked.
I'm loved.
I believe. And my stress is relieved.
I have faith. And my worries are lifted.
I'm abundantly blessed!
xoxo,
Me
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Self-esteem, anyone?
Hi Everyone!
Sorry I haven't been more consistent with my blogging. Guess I'm still getting into the groove. I actually think about it daily, but just don't always feel like I have any big contribution to the internet on most days. ;)
Then, because I'm so overly critical of myself anyway, and because I read other blogs, I feel like my blog won't be as funny/insightful/interesting....pick an adjective. So I don't post anything! Maybe I need to not read so many others, OR, here's a concept, STOP being so overly critical of myself and accept that my blog can be any way I want it. Seems as though, based on prior postings, I'm leaning towards whatever seems to be on my mind on that given day...not funny, or necessarily insightful, but it's my personal thoughts and I guess that's all that matters.
I have yet to write a post that turns out on the topic I intended for the day. I start typing on here, but I have not yet actually written about what I planned to. Which is weird, isn't it? Damn this undiagnosed adult ADD! So, I was going to post about one of 2 topics...super-moms, or my sixth sense...looking like those are going to wait.
Instead, just in those 3 short paragraphs above, I'm going to talk about myself...which means, my flaws. See, no self-esteem.
I feel like sometimes I can pretend well, like I actually have some confidence somewhere inside, but no, really not. I wonder what happens to us in our lives that makes us lose that ability to love ourselves more, flaws and all.
And more importantly, how do we not pass that along to our children. I'm more than certain that children are born with some infantile form of self-esteem. Babies, toddlers, children...all famously selfish and believe the world revolves around their needs and wants, right? I don't mean that negatively at all, just a fact. They want what they want when they want it, and 100% believe they deserve whatever it is. So, when do we lose that? What happens that makes us decide that we aren't entitled to what we want when we want it?
Could have been any of the following, with examples:
Parents - either too submissive or critical of themselves or the other end of the spectrum, too demanding and we feel we don't measure up.
Other kids - being mean, bossy, unkind, or some mixture of all of that.
Teachers - not being responsive or attentive to our emotional needs as well as the need to learn.
Ourselves - Are some of us born to, at some point after basic, primal needs are met, just be passive and submissive and not think much of ourselves.
No clue. Maybe a combination of some nature, some nurture, I presume.
Then, when we do lose our confidence, how do we/can we, get it back? Some days are good, some days aren't. Sometimes I feel like a patient, understanding wife, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel like a good mom, who tries to discipline but also love unconditionally. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing him, too.
Though overall, I do have to say I don't worry as much as I use to. I think that as I get older, my faith definitely has matured and deepened, and as that occurred, I trusted more and more to put my worries in the only real place that offers true solutions. For me, that is God. I used to always worry about what others think, what others had, and how I didn't measure up. And somewhere along the way, really in just the last few years, I can honestly say I let a lot of it go. God has my plan, and He has it under control, and I believe it with my whole heart. That helps A LOT!
Even though my worries are lifted, I still want to be better. And I don't think it's a bad thing to want to be a better person overall. I want to be a more faithful Christian, a more loving wife, a more patient mom, a more successful employee, a more reliable family member and friend. So maybe in order to build confidence, I just work on those things, every day, one day at a time. And take pride in each small accomplishment.
At the end of every day, instead of being filled with worry, sadness or criticism, in your prayers at night or even just to yourself, say, "I did the best I could do today. I gave what I could. I wasn't perfect and I never will be. But I will do it all again tomorrow, and I will do just a tiny bit better and I will be proud of myself for it."
You can't just say the words, believe it. Believe in yourself. I will believe in myself, too. xoxo
Sorry I haven't been more consistent with my blogging. Guess I'm still getting into the groove. I actually think about it daily, but just don't always feel like I have any big contribution to the internet on most days. ;)
Then, because I'm so overly critical of myself anyway, and because I read other blogs, I feel like my blog won't be as funny/insightful/interesting....pick an adjective. So I don't post anything! Maybe I need to not read so many others, OR, here's a concept, STOP being so overly critical of myself and accept that my blog can be any way I want it. Seems as though, based on prior postings, I'm leaning towards whatever seems to be on my mind on that given day...not funny, or necessarily insightful, but it's my personal thoughts and I guess that's all that matters.
I have yet to write a post that turns out on the topic I intended for the day. I start typing on here, but I have not yet actually written about what I planned to. Which is weird, isn't it? Damn this undiagnosed adult ADD! So, I was going to post about one of 2 topics...super-moms, or my sixth sense...looking like those are going to wait.
Instead, just in those 3 short paragraphs above, I'm going to talk about myself...which means, my flaws. See, no self-esteem.
I feel like sometimes I can pretend well, like I actually have some confidence somewhere inside, but no, really not. I wonder what happens to us in our lives that makes us lose that ability to love ourselves more, flaws and all.
And more importantly, how do we not pass that along to our children. I'm more than certain that children are born with some infantile form of self-esteem. Babies, toddlers, children...all famously selfish and believe the world revolves around their needs and wants, right? I don't mean that negatively at all, just a fact. They want what they want when they want it, and 100% believe they deserve whatever it is. So, when do we lose that? What happens that makes us decide that we aren't entitled to what we want when we want it?
Could have been any of the following, with examples:
Parents - either too submissive or critical of themselves or the other end of the spectrum, too demanding and we feel we don't measure up.
Other kids - being mean, bossy, unkind, or some mixture of all of that.
Teachers - not being responsive or attentive to our emotional needs as well as the need to learn.
Ourselves - Are some of us born to, at some point after basic, primal needs are met, just be passive and submissive and not think much of ourselves.
No clue. Maybe a combination of some nature, some nurture, I presume.
Then, when we do lose our confidence, how do we/can we, get it back? Some days are good, some days aren't. Sometimes I feel like a patient, understanding wife, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel like a good mom, who tries to discipline but also love unconditionally. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing him, too.
Though overall, I do have to say I don't worry as much as I use to. I think that as I get older, my faith definitely has matured and deepened, and as that occurred, I trusted more and more to put my worries in the only real place that offers true solutions. For me, that is God. I used to always worry about what others think, what others had, and how I didn't measure up. And somewhere along the way, really in just the last few years, I can honestly say I let a lot of it go. God has my plan, and He has it under control, and I believe it with my whole heart. That helps A LOT!
Even though my worries are lifted, I still want to be better. And I don't think it's a bad thing to want to be a better person overall. I want to be a more faithful Christian, a more loving wife, a more patient mom, a more successful employee, a more reliable family member and friend. So maybe in order to build confidence, I just work on those things, every day, one day at a time. And take pride in each small accomplishment.
At the end of every day, instead of being filled with worry, sadness or criticism, in your prayers at night or even just to yourself, say, "I did the best I could do today. I gave what I could. I wasn't perfect and I never will be. But I will do it all again tomorrow, and I will do just a tiny bit better and I will be proud of myself for it."
You can't just say the words, believe it. Believe in yourself. I will believe in myself, too. xoxo
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