How come every time I come to blog, it's when my mind is completely, just, UGH?!?

I get it's the whole therapy-for-me thing, and it does help, but I know it comes out like a jumbled, hot mess.

Sooooooo many things on my mind -- that's why I'm here.  Hoping to think it through, but mostly it ends up as whining.

But now that I'm here, maybe a change of direction is in order.  Ironic side note, the last several days I've been thinking about how I need to change up things, people, circumstances, situations, that are just not 'working' in my life.  That there are some outward changes to make in those surroundings, and lots more inward changing as well.  Then at church this morning, the message fit into exactly that thought process.  In not so many words -- cutting out the negative excess in our lives (this was my take, obviously).  In Pastor Jason's words, "Don't kick people out, 'love' them out."  In my words, "I love ya, but ya gotta go!"  LOL

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OK I inserted this break because, no kidding, I've been staring at this page for the last 20 minutes and I completely clammed up.  I don't even know what to say -- so weird.  Let me try again....

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So here is the thing about loving people out...I don't think it has as much to do with physically getting rid of people, but more so getting rid of how I let people affect me.  Part of being a controlling person, is this whole passive-aggressive persona you take on.  I think it takes (for me) a conscience effort to not let what people do/think/feel impact me.

My role as family/friend.  If you are a family member or a friend, and you want to play an active role in my life, great!  If not, then there is a reason for it, and maybe it's not me, maybe it's them.  Maybe it's their lack of intimacy, lack of care and/or respect for others and their feelings, or just general selfishness and self-absorbtion.  Maybe it's none of that.  But what I DO know, is that the people that do love and respect you and who WANT to be in your life, WILL be in your life.  And I can't make them do it, I can't make them want to do it.  It is, or it isn't.  And it isn't my fault.

My role as a wife.  Not enough blog space for this one.  If we are close, you know what I've been through.  And you know that despite that, I try my best.  I'm not perfect...not even good at it, but I try and I love and that's what matters.

My role as a mother.  Basically ditto the above role!  If we are close,  you know what I've been through.  And if  you've known me for 10 years or better, you know how much it means to me to finally become a mom.  Again, I'm not perfect, some days I'm not even good at it, but I try and I love and that's what matters.  There is literally NOTHING in the world -- all other things combined -- that means more to me than that little boy.  He's not without fault, none of us are, but there is no one more beautiful, smart, caring, sensitive, loving, and well-rounded that I know.  Sometimes the outside world doesn't see everything that we see and know as mom's to these precious blessings, but I know and God knows.  And L.J. knows God, and for that, I am blessed beyond measure.

My role as an employee.  I've been with this company for 15 years.  I've been in my current position since May.  I have literally been in 10 positions in this company.  By FAR, the last year of my life has been beyond the most stressful.  I can't even tell you how many days I have sat at my desk and cried from the stress (thank goodness I work from home!).  My last position started out ok, new management came last January -- went downhill.  Got the position I'm in now after quite a bit of time trying to get in.  I love the person who was to be my boss at the time and wanted to work for her again.  Got the job in May, she left in August for bigger and better things.  I was still relatively new to the position, and even though I have all sorts of background with the company, this was different.  But she knows me, knows my background, knows I am capable, or she wouldn't have picked me.  THEN things changed.  Because I'm the new girl, I don't know as much as my current peers.  But here is the thing, and this is what I need to try to remember, my peer group in this department, as well as the girls I manage, are completely amazing.  They all seriously, I truly believe, would not want to see me fail.  And on the days that I beat myself up for not knowing enough, all I need to do it reach out to them.  But they are busy too, so that's when I hold back and take it all on myself.  I feel extremely intimidated by the leadership above me and even though we all have certain opinions about certain people, they still scare the crap out of me.  Mainly because I am the sole bread-winner right now, and I'm scared to death of losing my job.  Not that it's even a rational fear!  I've never been placed on any type of "warning" or corrective action plan.  To the contrary, I've gotten several emails of praise over the last few months for various projects.  So why the heck am I so hard on myself?  The thing with work is that if I'm not perfect, I feel like I'm failing.  If I'm not the best at what I do, then I feel like I'm failing.  And I'm comparing myself to people who have been doing this for a few years or more.  When I'm not at work, all I do is think about work.  I've been freaked out all weekend because I know 3 of my 4 offices are probably going to be "red."  And no one understands that unless you work in my department lol...but that's ok.  I do believe I've done the things within my control to not see that happen, but ultimately I am responsible.  And even though I'm not 100% responsible, I know that I will be made to feel that way.  Partly because of "them", and partly because I take everything to heart and will be mortified with the questions that will be fired my way.

This keeps me up at night and has been sucking the enjoyment out of other aspects of my life.  And it shouldn't.  But my job, and being good at it, is important to me.  Call me a perfectionist, OCD, whatever, I expect to do well, and when I feel like I'm not, it rips me apart.

So there ya go, the jumbled, hot mess of things on my mind.  Who are those people that take these things in stride, cause I need some of that.

Oh and so here's the other side of that....

I DO realize that my problems are small in the eyes of the world.  I GET that my life is nothing in comparison to so many millions that truly suffer with sickness and poverty on a daily basis.  I BELIEVE in God and have faith in His love and mercy and believe I am truly blessed and highly favored.

So more good advice from today's sermon....

Immerse yourself in The Word, and The Word will flow from you.  Surround yourself with uplifting, God-centered people, and you will be uplifted.  Surrender completely and be humbled in His presence.  Speak your prayers out loud.  Go crazy for God!  Praise like a child -- enthusiastically, loudly, dancing, singing.

He knows the prayers of your heart -- all you have to do is ask.

All I have to do is ask.