Where I Get Lost...

Two words...In Music...

I feel I have almost a weird simpatico with music...well written, well lyricized (it's a word, I checked), actual music that translates into story.

I can seriously put on my iPod and get lost in the music -- the words, the beats.  Somehow, well written music can translate into our lives in so many ways.  Seems that no matter what my mood, I can find songs that touch my heart and soul exactly where I need it.  And everything is better...really.  

Let me be clear in my personal definition of real music.  Stories, period.  I envision boys and girls, turned into men and women who pounded away at instruments and stayed up all hours of the night pouring their everything into a beat and into the story they wish to tell us.  

I have an abundant amount of respect for musicians (real musicians) who gave and continue to give of themselves, completely. And if you know music at all, you can tell.  You know what I mean, not Britney Spears, synthesized music with words written by some robotic word machine (although I've been known to belt out the Britney tunes, and others).  Here are the people/groups that come to mind...and depending on your age, you may or may not have even heard of some of them.  Jim Croce, The Carpenters, Lifehouse, Green Day, Nickelback, Eminem (yep)....I'm sure the list goes on, just a sampling of where I'm coming from.  You listen to their music....really listen to the words and you hear the story.  

You can FEEL it...their passion, their emotion, and it's relatable.  It makes sense.  It's like this secret you share with a musician when their music touches you.  It's like they know something about you or how you feel that no one else knows, and they know exactly how to put it into words.  And it almost helps you think about or process the feeling (good, bad or other) and you know you're not alone.  And you still didn't even have to talk to a soul, if you didn't want to.  

It's like therapy...internal, privately shared therapy.

You didn't think I'd end the post without some examples did you...

"'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you."  ~Lifehouse  (You and Me)

"Everytime the time was right
All the words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you in a song." 
 ~Jim Croce  (I Have to Say I Love You In a Song)  (my dad would be so proud...lol)

"Love, look at the two of us, Strangers in many ways 

We've got a lifetime to share , So much to say and as we go 
From day to day.  I'll feel you close to me 
But time alone will tell .  Let's take a lifetime to say, I knew you well 
For only time will tell us so . And love may grow for all we know."  
~The Carpenters  (For All We Know)

"Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around."  ~Pink  (F*&%-ing Perfect)

And one of the best story tellers ever....

"You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather."    ~Jewel  (Foolish Games)

I have so many more that I can't even think of...but stories.  


Just listen...feel it...therapy, I tell ya!  xoxo

George Michael said it best....

Oh yeah, if you had anything whatsoever to do with the '80's you know what's coming next...."Cause I gotta have FAITH."
If you think the rest of this post will have anything to do with the actual song, well, you'd be mistaken...not gonna be talking about that, but instead the other "Faith".  You know, the real one (in my book).  The one that lives in my heart and in the hearts of believers, the one I look to the Heavens for.  Yep...'that' Faith!

My disclaimer that of course this is my blog, therefore, my beliefs.  Not meant to persuade or certainly not to offend any readers.

I love God.  I love Jesus.  And, I'm not afraid to say it.  I want to shout it from the roof tops some days, and I certainly want to shout, quite often, how good our God is, when given just half a chance to be in our lives all He is meant to be.

This post probably won't be very long because I have really one main point.  You can pray until you're blue in the face, but if you don't believe, I mean REALLY believe, REALLY have FAITH, then you are only half way doing the job.  I've said it so many times, to so many people, and I get it...I know it's hard to believe all the time, and so easy to lose faith when we are faced with difficult situations, and this is when we need our faith the most.  The devil looks for these opportunities.  He looks for ways to sneak in when our faith has been shaken by stress and burdens.  He looks for a way to feed off of that misery so he can work his way into wedging himself in between you and our God.

That's when you push on and push through, cast him out in the name of Jesus.  If you have FAITH, I promise it works.  Most definitely not in our time, it's not within our control, but in God's time, and in His infinite wisdom.  After all, it is His plan for us, if we just listen.

I love this part of the poem "Footprints", so I will share:
"The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."


If you are not familiar with the poem, I urge to look it up and read the whole thing.  The point is that even when we don't feel His presence, at our very lowest points, we are not alone.  But we have to ask and we have to BELIEVE.


Take just a moment and either think about your friends and family, or perhaps do a little facebook "stalking".  Make some comparisons.  No one has to know you did this, and no one will.  But just for yourself, do a little of this for me, if you're struggling with faith.  


Your friends and family who proudly discuss their religion, or who post their religion without shame, or who sometimes post a verse now and again...or even if they don't necessarily talk about it often (if they aren't FB addicts like me), but you know they have a strong faith...take those people and make a mental note on the goings-on in their lives.  Do they have troubles?  Yes, of course, we are worldly people and face struggles and temptation.  But OVERALL, how are they?  Are they happy and upbeat a lot of the time?  Do things tend to "work out" for them?  Do they tend to have what you may refer to as "good luck"?


Now on a separate mental note, how about the people in your life that maybe aren't quite sure about their beliefs or their faith?  Maybe they "believe" in God, and maybe they even pray, but do they have FAITH?  Faith in the prayers that they say?  Faith that there is a plan and that if they ask and believe, things will work out in their favors?  How about the details of their lives?  Do they have a seemingly harder time dealing with stresses?  Does it take them longer in searching for good to happen?  Do you think they have "bad luck"?  Are they happy overall?  I know, no one is happy all of the time, I'm speaking in generalizations.  Would you label them a generally happy or a not so happy person?


Do you get where this is going?  I sure hope so, because all of the sudden I'm long winded...I know, shocking.  ;)
As if I have to spell it out, but I will anyway...


BELIEVE PEOPLE!  Say a prayer and BELIEVE prayers are answered!  Be happy with the blessings you have in your every day life, because they are all around you.  God even makes sure we have a beautiful sunrise and sunset.  And if that's the only thing "good" that happened in your world today, it happened, and it was God made, and it was beautiful and amazing!  But you have more than that, we all do, everyone that's reading this already has more blessings than most of the world's population.  It means you have electricity and a warm, dry place to lie your head tonight.  You likely have a loved one with you, or at least a phone call away.  You have eyes to see, and the knowledge to read these words.  


You are BLESSED in a million ways.  


And if you still don't believe me, go outside...right now...and look at the night sky.  Wake up early and watch the sunrise.  Listen to birds sing.  These are all miracles...all blessings.  Share them with the world and rejoice, because He loves you, and He wants what's best for you and me.  


FAITH, LOVE, JOY -- It doesn't get any better than these things from our Lord.  Just ask.  Just know it will happen.  BELIEVE!  xoxo

Baby boy

Hi all,
Not sure why it's been a few days since my last post, just not too much to say or too much going on, not sure which...maybe a little bit of both.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and Father's Day.  I made it through my first FD without my dad, and I made it through...that's about all I have to say about that.

L.J. started a mainstream VPK program on Monday, and he loves it.  I don't know why I was stressing so much.  He's been in public schools for 2 years in the hearing impaired program, as you know, but this mainstream program is a larger class and obviously no hearing impaired equipment, but he seems to be right at home and totally adjusted.  I don't know why I doubted that for one second.

He (L.J.) is so amazing in new situations and around people.  He's so friendly and so comfortable, literally anywhere...almost to a fault....it can be scary at how little it bothers him to have full on conversations with any complete stranger that will listen.  BUT, I am so glad that his personality is so out-going and that of a leader.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  Learning to filter a little better who he speaks to and when it's appropriate will come with time and lessons.  And unfortunately, he will learn sooner rather than later, that there are those "bad" people in the world that he will need to be weary of.  What a sad thing for an innocent child to have to learn.  That not everyone is friendly and loving and trustworthy and good.

I'm still waiting for the day he runs into someone who doesn't want to hear about Jesus.  When he gets into some conversations with people, he's been known to, mid-conversation, tell people that Jesus lives in our hearts.  My sweetie!  No one has ever said anything negative to him, and for their sake, they better not say anything in front of me, that would deter him for one minute from the love he feels in his heart for people, but more importantly, for Jesus.  It's such a pure, honest love that comes from our kids, and it's heartbreaking to know that one day, they will feel the pain of having that love challenged.

I look at him now, as he's falling asleep...the most still, peaceful moment of my day, and I can't imagine that I wouldn't do anything and everything to protect him from any hurt whatsoever.  Funny as you become a mom how suddenly the love our parents have for us completely makes sense.  He's so amazingly beautiful and sweet and loving...I could seriously go on forever.  I could never love or want to protect anyone more.  And even typing those words doesn't seem like enough.  There aren't the right words, or powerful enough words to explain the love in every ounce of my being for this little person.

Now, he drives me absolutely insane, don't get me wrong...lol.  But in my eyes there is no one on this planet more perfect.   He has overcome adversity in is virtual deafness better than anyone I have ever seen deal with any obstacle.  Nothing phases this kid.  He gets his bumps and bruises.  He gets his feelings hurt.  He's not always an angel to others.  But there is nothing I wouldn't do for him.

He is the absolute love of my life.  My best friend, and my everything.

I didn't know this post would be all about L.J., but there ya go.....I love you, my sweet baby boy.  <3

More about friends...

Happy Friday!
I'm laughing to myself as I start today's post because I find it entertaining that I'm sharing with you all how my mind works.  LOL  It's a little unnerving.  I think that I "think" way too much.  Although maybe everyone "thinks" as much as I do, but not everyone feels the need to share it all on a blog. :)  Most of my postings, I imagine, will be about my random thinking.  Because that's the stuff on my mind.  Maybe people will think it's strange, though I wonder if it's more common to be "deep in thought" than I realize for others too.  It's not so much negative topics, as much as it's just the stuff that goes through my mind on various things.  God, I think too much!
So, this is what is consuming my thoughts today, ready?  I wonder if I'm a good a friend as I think I try to be.  I wonder if I care too much, or not enough.  How do other people feel about me, or feel about friendships in general?  (I know, a lot about friends this week, but it's on my mind, so I'm going with it).  I feel like I try to and do, value friendships.  I love having friends, I love doing stuff with friends, and I love watching L.J. form those same types of bonds with others.  Sometimes I feel like either 1. People don't value friendship the same as I do, or 2. People don't value MY friendship in particular.  How do you know which it is?  Mind you, this is not intended as a pity party or a posting for anyone to make me feel better about myself, just how my head works at night when I'm alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes I wonder if people actually like me, like L.J., like doing stuff with us, or if we are just "available".  Do people we consider friends, actually consider us friends too?  Do I call people friend, assuming that we have a friendship, when really, they don't consider us friends at all?  I often feel people pulling away, I'm going though a little of that now.  And believe me, I get people are busy!  Families and kids come first...I'm totally on board with that.  But sometimes I wonder if they are really that busy, or just too busy for me.  How do you know?  I guess you eventually know, if you tie this back to my last post, when people really pull away and you just don't hear from them at all.  How do you not become the person that someone can't get rid of?  LOL  I don't want to ever be that "friend" that someone can't seem to shake.  I want people to want to be my friend.  So then I get to the point of, I think I care too much about who wants to be my friend.  I went through a long period as an adult where I was so involved in married life, that yes, I had  few friends here and there, but not a group of friends to do stuff with often.  When I had L.J. all of that changed.  It changed initially because he was at home with us, so in an effort to socialize him I joined mom's groups.  And from there we formed friendships, or at least what I consider friendships.  And the kicker is that now that I have those relationships, I realize what I was missing all those years I was tied up with "just" being a wife.  I was missing out!  Now, I can't imagine going back to that.  I LOVE my family.  I love doing stuff with Luis and L.J., just our little family.  But I also love having friends and having lots of stuff to do.  How do you keep the friendships you value?  Well, first and foremost, it definitely takes two.  I've had relationships, I'm sure we all have, where you are just the ONLY one doing the work.  All the giver and the other person all the taker.  And as old as that can get, I still try to be a good friend.  Funny thing is that the taker is typically the one that pulls away first, when the giving slows down because the giver is just plain tired of the one way street.  But the good, solid friendships, where it's a loving, two way street...how do you keep those going so that you stay on the same page as friends, and have mutual feelings and respect?  Those are the friendships I need to worry about...and the thing is, if they are true friendships, there shouldn't BE anything to worry about!  I guess that's how you know it's "real".  It's easy.  It's mutual.  You could not talk for a month, but when you do, you pick right up from where you left off and it's never awkward or weird or strained.  I LOVE those friends and value those friendships.
I hope they truly feel the same...xoxo

Disconnect?

Evening!  Getting on here super late today, just busy, busy, and I like quiet when I post so I can kinda get into my own head.  :)
I don't know how long or short this will be, or any post for that matter, till I get into it...just depends on where my mind goes, or how emphatic I am about the subject.
So disconnect.....
Have you ever wondered when or if it's time to disconnect, disassociate, disengage, or slowly drift away from someone?  Not necessarily referring to a spouse or significant other, but anyone...family, friends, co-workers, etc.  You know the saying, goes something like, friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you get to a point in a relationship that you think you kinda know it was just a reason or a season, when, how, or do you, say good-bye?  These are rhetorical questions, by the way, thinking out loud.  Every friend, or even family member for that matter, has touched our lives in some way, at some point.  They have each been a blessing in their own way at one time or another.  But sometimes, it's just time to move on.  Why?  Who knows...refer back to saying, reason/season...the saying exists because it happens.  But how do you "break-up"?  Or do you officially "break-up"?  Probably not, because there wasn't a fight, disagreement or anything of the sort, it just doesn't work anymore.  So what's better or worse....letting a relationship just fade away? That could cause hurt feelings because the other person/people may not understand what happened, or why you fell off the face of the Earth, so to speak.  Or do you talk about it, and run the risk of hurting feelings that way?  And what would you even say?  I try to be a nice, loving friend and family member. I don't think I necessarily have the nerve to say to anyone, "Hey, it was great, but now, not so much, and let's just part our ways."  No real reason given, because no real reason exists.  Maybe deep down there are little reasons, here and there, but nothing worth sharing because then it may cause a petty fight or hard feelings.  And you don't want the relationship to end that way, because it was good, in it's time.  People change, situations change.  Obviously I've broken up with friends, by losing touch, I guess that's how it happens most often.  You find less of a reason to call, or send an email....and it drifts away.  Harder with people you were closer too....more emotions involved.  I never have this discussion with anyone out loud because even just typing it is making me feel selfish and shallow.  Because it's quite possible I may feel the impending break-up, but maybe that other person/people still need me or the friendship in some way.  So if their reason or season isn't complete, who am I to cut it short?  Maybe the right answer is, you just let it drift away, that way you are sure, or you can at least assume, that both parties are in the same emotional/mental place regarding the relationship. No more effort on both sides, would seal the deal at some point.  But then do you end up with 2 people that don't really know what happened, and does that even matter?  I guess that is best.  Then when you look back, you can say "Yes, I know that person. We were very close at one point, then we just kinda drifted apart, but they were a great friend/co-worker/mentor, etc."  Because if you said something to end it, even under the best of intentions, the other person may say, "Um yeah I know that chick. That bitch felt the need to "break-up" our friendship for no real reason." LOL
OK see, the glory of the blog, maybe typing/thinking out loud answered my own questions on the topic.  OK, maybe not, one more....if you decide to just let it drift apart naturally, what if it never happens?  It hangs on, no direction, no real purpose.  You can't set a time limit.  What if you're done, and the other person isn't, so the contacting continues, even though you're no longer comfortable.  I guess you continue to be a good friend/family member.  The person needs you for some reason.  God is putting them or keeping them in our path for some reason.  Maybe they don't have anyone else, maybe they need an ear, maybe God keeps them there because they need to hear about Him...but there isn't anyone else in their lives who will deliver His message.  Everything, everyone....every reason, every season, happens, well, for a reason.

I will keep plugging along, listening to His word and His messages, and help those in my paths along the way.  It's the right thing to do.

Maybe when it's all said and done in this posting, I've realized that determining the strength or length of any relationship isn't up to me at all.

He's on my mind...

As I mentioned yesterday, I have a bunch of stuff on my heart and in my mind that I will be talking about at some point I'm sure. I was all geared up with a topic for today's post, until about an hour ago, when it hit me that it's almost Father's Day, and my thoughts took an entire change in direction. The beauty of this blog is that it's a by-the-seat-of-my-pants sorta thing, and well, I can change my mind if I wanna. :)
Not sure where to start...I'm actually speechless...wow, that is a different sensation for me...lol.
Tomorrow, June 15th, is 3 months since I lost my father, suddenly.  We still don't have an official cause of death, but I'm 99.9% sure it was a heart attack, in his sleep.  I guess if I had to choose a way to go, that would be at the top of the list, so for that, I am thankful that he didn't suffer.  Although suffer is a relative term.  Let me say, he didn't suffer from an actual sickness or disease that caused his death, but he suffered a lot.  He suffered through years with a thankless job for an unappreciative company, of his time and dedication.  He suffered the additional task of caring for my step-mother after her stroke 10/11 years ago (let me add here, he NEVER viewed that as a burden in any way. He loved her very much and did the best he could to do what was right by her).  He suffered with financial burdens, fairly consistently, but again, did the best he could.  He always made sure to try to take Debbie (step-mom) on little vacations, to get her out of the house.  Little day trips here and there.  Made sure everyone felt loved on birthdays and holidays, but I wish he would've known that all we ever needed or wanted was him.  All of him.  The visits were more than enough.  He was more than enough.  I don't think he ever thought that.  He had a hard time growing up, though not in appearances.  He was an only child of 2 working parents and they did quite well.  He was a football player, good looking and popular, and had anything he wanted, materialistically.  But....as much as I LOVE and miss my grandparents (another post for another day) he never felt good enough.  He was compared to his cousins...he needed to be smarter, faster, stronger.  The demands led to bad choices.  Too much drinking started in college, he got my unmarried mom pregnant, had me his sophomore year of college, never ended the party lifestyle, and quite honestly, made lots of bad decisions, no one is perfect.  He drank a lot while we were growing up (he and my mom divorced when I was 10, my brother and I were then raised with him, my step-mother and her 2 kids), they fought a lot, there were money issues a lot.  NONE of it mattered to me...but he always thought it mattered.  I was happiest (and I think he was too) in those quiet moments when I was just daddy's little girl...the princess.  He loved me so much, I never doubted that for one second.  We had fights, problems, times here and there as I became an adult that we didn't even speak for one reason or the other.  But I always loved him...with my whole heart.  Why does it take someone's passing to see that sometimes?  I wanted so much for my dad to be proud of me, and he was, and I know that. As much as there were problems, there was love, and unconditional.  He eventually stopped drinking, stopped smoking, grew up so to speak, faced responsibilities and took on way more than any one man should have to.  Besides the working and taking care of my step-mom, he also was raising my step-brother's 7 year old daughter.  She lived with them full time.  He took her to school, school functions, girl scouts, sold cookies with her, took her places parent's normally would take their children....keeping in mind that this wasn't his biological grandchild....it's my step-brother's daughter.  BUT my dad NEVER felt like that.  He loved her, and all the grandkids with his whole self.  He loved kids in general, but definitely don't mess with his crew.  Point being, he was a great man, with a great big heart.  He died because he was tired.  Stressed.  And just plain tired.  If he were standing over my shoulder right now reading this (and I'm pretending he is...maybe he is), I would tell him so many things:
I love you more than you will ever know.  I was always and will always be your little girl.
I miss you more than you will ever know.
You were more amazing, wonderful and special than you will ever know.
Everything you did was more valued than you will ever know.
I wish you were here for the grandkids....I wish you were here for me.
I hate I didn't say these things to you when you were living.  I hate I didn't spend more time with you.  I feel guilty beyond measure. I hope that every move I make makes you proud of how you raised me and proud of the woman and mother I have become.

You were always good enough, Daddy, and I love you.

My first time!

So here I am, a new blogger!  I'm actually a little nervous, because I want the blog to be raw and honest, but still more light than dark....although we all have our days!  I feel sometimes that I can't REALLY put everything on FB because, quite frankly, 95% of the people on the friend's list, probably don't care.  They join our lists to just sorta see what we've been up to all these years, maybe check out our kids, see what type of work we do, if we made anything out of ourselves since school...but you never hear from them.  I often think about cleaning through my friends list, I've done it once or twice, and deleted people who either were just way too negative constantly, way too much cursing, and I wasn't close to them to begin with so what was the point, right?  But I find that I keep a lot of people for the same reasons I think of deleting them....I see what they made of themselves, check out their kids, but don't really say anything...which leads me to believe I must be something of a FB hypocrite...lol.  So my friend's list mostly remains in tact.  Since I feel the need to be mostly pleasant and happy on FB, it leaves little room to sometimes just say what I really feel, where I can get it out of my system, and have control over who I let see what.  Therefore, not hurting feeling, and hopefully, the people that decide to follow actually do care if I'm having a hard time/bad day, and don't necessarily mind if I am whining too much. :)  I want a place to blog my life and not feel judged...I most certainly cannot do that on FB...or I guess I could, but I play the game like I suppose many do.  Perfect husband, perfect kid, perfect job, perfect pics....to many which I would like to scream BULLSHIT, and do often scream that at my computer.  Sometimes I'm pretty sure FB exists just so I can feel bad about myself...lol.  Funny thing is, I'm more addicted to it than most people I know.  So here's to my first post on my first blog. You will get sick of my pics of my not-so-perfect kid, but perfect to me in every way.  You will get sick of hearing about my job, or my husband...but you can trust it will be truly how I feel...as bi-polar as it may come off...you know, I'm in love with everything in one post, and the very next post I'm ready to go postal.  But I'm just me, and I'm done apologizing for it!