How come every time I come to blog, it's when my mind is completely, just, UGH?!?

I get it's the whole therapy-for-me thing, and it does help, but I know it comes out like a jumbled, hot mess.

Sooooooo many things on my mind -- that's why I'm here.  Hoping to think it through, but mostly it ends up as whining.

But now that I'm here, maybe a change of direction is in order.  Ironic side note, the last several days I've been thinking about how I need to change up things, people, circumstances, situations, that are just not 'working' in my life.  That there are some outward changes to make in those surroundings, and lots more inward changing as well.  Then at church this morning, the message fit into exactly that thought process.  In not so many words -- cutting out the negative excess in our lives (this was my take, obviously).  In Pastor Jason's words, "Don't kick people out, 'love' them out."  In my words, "I love ya, but ya gotta go!"  LOL

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OK I inserted this break because, no kidding, I've been staring at this page for the last 20 minutes and I completely clammed up.  I don't even know what to say -- so weird.  Let me try again....

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So here is the thing about loving people out...I don't think it has as much to do with physically getting rid of people, but more so getting rid of how I let people affect me.  Part of being a controlling person, is this whole passive-aggressive persona you take on.  I think it takes (for me) a conscience effort to not let what people do/think/feel impact me.

My role as family/friend.  If you are a family member or a friend, and you want to play an active role in my life, great!  If not, then there is a reason for it, and maybe it's not me, maybe it's them.  Maybe it's their lack of intimacy, lack of care and/or respect for others and their feelings, or just general selfishness and self-absorbtion.  Maybe it's none of that.  But what I DO know, is that the people that do love and respect you and who WANT to be in your life, WILL be in your life.  And I can't make them do it, I can't make them want to do it.  It is, or it isn't.  And it isn't my fault.

My role as a wife.  Not enough blog space for this one.  If we are close, you know what I've been through.  And you know that despite that, I try my best.  I'm not perfect...not even good at it, but I try and I love and that's what matters.

My role as a mother.  Basically ditto the above role!  If we are close,  you know what I've been through.  And if  you've known me for 10 years or better, you know how much it means to me to finally become a mom.  Again, I'm not perfect, some days I'm not even good at it, but I try and I love and that's what matters.  There is literally NOTHING in the world -- all other things combined -- that means more to me than that little boy.  He's not without fault, none of us are, but there is no one more beautiful, smart, caring, sensitive, loving, and well-rounded that I know.  Sometimes the outside world doesn't see everything that we see and know as mom's to these precious blessings, but I know and God knows.  And L.J. knows God, and for that, I am blessed beyond measure.

My role as an employee.  I've been with this company for 15 years.  I've been in my current position since May.  I have literally been in 10 positions in this company.  By FAR, the last year of my life has been beyond the most stressful.  I can't even tell you how many days I have sat at my desk and cried from the stress (thank goodness I work from home!).  My last position started out ok, new management came last January -- went downhill.  Got the position I'm in now after quite a bit of time trying to get in.  I love the person who was to be my boss at the time and wanted to work for her again.  Got the job in May, she left in August for bigger and better things.  I was still relatively new to the position, and even though I have all sorts of background with the company, this was different.  But she knows me, knows my background, knows I am capable, or she wouldn't have picked me.  THEN things changed.  Because I'm the new girl, I don't know as much as my current peers.  But here is the thing, and this is what I need to try to remember, my peer group in this department, as well as the girls I manage, are completely amazing.  They all seriously, I truly believe, would not want to see me fail.  And on the days that I beat myself up for not knowing enough, all I need to do it reach out to them.  But they are busy too, so that's when I hold back and take it all on myself.  I feel extremely intimidated by the leadership above me and even though we all have certain opinions about certain people, they still scare the crap out of me.  Mainly because I am the sole bread-winner right now, and I'm scared to death of losing my job.  Not that it's even a rational fear!  I've never been placed on any type of "warning" or corrective action plan.  To the contrary, I've gotten several emails of praise over the last few months for various projects.  So why the heck am I so hard on myself?  The thing with work is that if I'm not perfect, I feel like I'm failing.  If I'm not the best at what I do, then I feel like I'm failing.  And I'm comparing myself to people who have been doing this for a few years or more.  When I'm not at work, all I do is think about work.  I've been freaked out all weekend because I know 3 of my 4 offices are probably going to be "red."  And no one understands that unless you work in my department lol...but that's ok.  I do believe I've done the things within my control to not see that happen, but ultimately I am responsible.  And even though I'm not 100% responsible, I know that I will be made to feel that way.  Partly because of "them", and partly because I take everything to heart and will be mortified with the questions that will be fired my way.

This keeps me up at night and has been sucking the enjoyment out of other aspects of my life.  And it shouldn't.  But my job, and being good at it, is important to me.  Call me a perfectionist, OCD, whatever, I expect to do well, and when I feel like I'm not, it rips me apart.

So there ya go, the jumbled, hot mess of things on my mind.  Who are those people that take these things in stride, cause I need some of that.

Oh and so here's the other side of that....

I DO realize that my problems are small in the eyes of the world.  I GET that my life is nothing in comparison to so many millions that truly suffer with sickness and poverty on a daily basis.  I BELIEVE in God and have faith in His love and mercy and believe I am truly blessed and highly favored.

So more good advice from today's sermon....

Immerse yourself in The Word, and The Word will flow from you.  Surround yourself with uplifting, God-centered people, and you will be uplifted.  Surrender completely and be humbled in His presence.  Speak your prayers out loud.  Go crazy for God!  Praise like a child -- enthusiastically, loudly, dancing, singing.

He knows the prayers of your heart -- all you have to do is ask.

All I have to do is ask.

Letter to L.J.

After today's horrible events in Connecticut with the school shooting and so many babies and adults losing their lives unnecessarily, I find myself overcome with sadness and paralyzing fear.  There are so many thoughts running through my mind, I'm sure everyone's minds tonight, that I don't even know where to start.  I fear that everything that comes out wouldn't even make sense, as I feel completely incoherent in my mind.  So instead, I will write a letter to L.J.

Dear L.J.,

While I lay here watching you sleep, my mind swirls.  I need for you to understand some things, and I will try my best to explain.

1.  I love you.  Just 3 words, that seem so small, but mean more than you can imagine.
2.  I'm proud of you.  I'm proud of obstacles you have overcome in your 7 years.  I'm proud of who you are as a person.  Sweet and funny.  Smart and sensitive.
3.  God above all else.  Above everything in life, put God first.  You will not always understand His plan, and it's not for you to understand.  Your duty as a Christian is to live by faith.  And because of that faith, He will never see you fall.
4.  There is a lot of good in this world.  Be a part of that good.  Help others.  Use manners.  Be polite and giving.  Smile.
5.  There is a lot of bad in this world.  We cannot help, nor do we have control over, the evil that exists around us.  I wish I could promise you that bad things don't happen.  But they do.  Not all people are good.  Be trusting, but with caution.  Be alert.  Be aware.
6.  I will always, always help you, guide you, teach you, and encourage you.  In anything you choose to do in life, with school, work, relationships.  I will always be your rock.  And your soft place to fall.
7.  Our relationship will always be unconditional.  We will argue and disagree.  I will be upset with you when I don't agree with your choices.  You will be upset with me because I don't agree.  And that's ok.  It will never change how much I love you.
8.  I want to see you finish school.  I want to be at your college graduation.  I want to dance at your wedding, and hold my grandbabies.  And I will do everything, simply everything, to help you get there.

What I need from you above all else is to just come home.

When I send you to school, please come home.
When you drive off with your friends, please come home.
When I send you off to college, please come home.
When you start working and get busy with a family of your own, please come home.

All I need is for you to grow old.  Happy and healthy...and old.

You can always come home.

I love you, my sweet baby boy.
Mommy

It Just Sucks

Wow -- 7 months since I've blogged.  Probably defeats the purpose of a blog.  But today, I feel like I need to write to sort this out.

Not even sure anyone reads this and it's fine either way.  I'm doing this for me.  It's going to be negative and rambling and may not even make sense.  You've been warned.

So a lot of people outside of my immediate friend/family circle don't know this about me, probably.  But I suffer from anxiety and depression.  And some times it's good, then something happens, and I feel like I go into this downward spiral towards a pit that has no way out.

That's where I am.

No one knows -- till now, if you're reading this.  I don't like to talk about it, as I know we all have our own things in life to deal with.  Quite frankly, I'm sure no one wants to hear about it.  And because I'm in this state, I suspect no one cares.

If you've never dealt with depression, let me tell you this -- when you are in this state of mind,  you have never felt so alone.  You can surround yourself with 100 people, but you've never felt so alone.  Let me give you a taste of how I feel at this moment.

Completely alone, even though I'm not in the physical sense.  I mean alone in my head.  Like no one understands.  No one sees past the smile.  Like no one would care even if they did know.

I feel angry, all. the. time.  I'm angry at myself because I don't understand why I feel like I do.  I'm angry at every person I am around because the slightest thing sets me off.  I'm angry because no one listens.  I'm angry because I think I'm a horrible mother and a terrible wife.  I'm angry that I don't know how to be better at those things.  I'm angry because no matter what I do or how hard I try, my life just never gets better.  I'm angry that I feel all of those things.  I'm angry because I don't know what's truth and what is the depression.

I feel like everything I do is just putting on a show.  I just go through the motions of what I think I should be doing.  I feel like everything is a facade.  Like I try to be a good employee -- say the right things, stay on top of things, try to make good decisions, but inside, I feel completely inadequate and lost.  I try to be a good wife -- I'm not even close to compassionate, reasonable or understanding with my husband.

I try -- God knows I try more than anything ever in my life -- to be a good mother.  I'm not.  And it breaks my heart.  And this bothers me more than all of the rest combined.  I would like to think that because I care so much whether or not I'm a good mom, then by default, it makes me a good mom -- but I don't think that at all.  Yep, I do stuff with him....activities, homework, play -- all of it.  It's not enough.  It's not enough because when I feel like I feel, then I am not connecting emotionally to him.  I feel like he feels it too.  Maybe that's why he's been getting in trouble more lately.  He feels me disconnected?  Or doesn't love me?  At this point, it could be either.  I feel like all I do is yell.  I'm mean.  He probably hates me, though he's never said that -- yet.

The funny thing about feeling alone, is that I want to be alone.  I want to pull away from everyone, because I just feel like I'm toxic anyway.  I don't want to talk to friends, or family.  I do it, because it's expected of me, and because it's not their fault.  And I put on the front, but sometimes it's hard to just hide behind a smile.  It's hard to listen to everyone else, try to make conversation, even though you aren't connected -- just smile and nod, answer in small sentences.  It just gets harder and harder to keep that up.

So if I haven't texted you, or have been short in replies, this is my apology.  If I've cancelled plans with you, I'm sorry.  I wish I could help it.  I wish I could snap out of it.  It takes time.  I don't know how long, because in the middle of it, it feels like forever.

It feels like I have no joy, no hope.  Nothing makes me smile, laugh, happy.  I feel like every single aspect of my life sucks.  And the worst part of feeling like that, if you're me, is that isn't the core of my personality.  I'm not a down, negative person (typically).  On the inside, my core is bubbly, happy, out-going, positive.  So for someone like that to feel like this -- makes it that much worse.  And makes it impossible to understand or accept.

I am going to post this, but I'm not sure why.  It's definitely not for a pity party or anything of the sort.  Maybe I'm hoping someone just understands.  Has felt this same exact way and it makes sense to someone.

If you read this and didn't know any of this, hopefully you don't think I'm a complete moron.  And if you've never felt this way, it's probably hard to understand.  I don't want attention, I just want to come out of it and feel better.

I'm still the same person -- just sometimes broken.